Zzz Express

I have, due to a series of badly planned moments, only just got round to doing my blog today. It’s normally many hours earlier but I’ve managed to be with computer and nowhere near wifi or, like now, without computer but with wifi. I’m not entirely sure on the how’s and why’s but I’ve resorted to using my iPhone and already it’s autocorrect function means I may just throw it at the next passer by. Luckily I’m in a cool bar in Bristol where they are playing the sort of ace swing jazz that means no matter what happens, it’s impossible to be angry. I doubt anyone has ever got violent to swing jazz. I expect that any time fists have been raised during a good doo-wap, they’ve immediately been quelled into becoming jazz hands. This blog will still not be long though as I’ve spent the afternoon in the sunshine with my friend Sarah taking the world to rights. I have learnt two main things from this:

1) People are not solar powered. Unlike a calculator I had at school, I work less well after sitting in the sun for ages. If anything, it’s sapped my strength and now I’d really like a nap. It has made me think though that if I ever used my calculator in the sunlight (which was extremely rare on account of how little I used it in any weather condition) you wouldn’t be able to see the numbers at all. Instead it worked best at night, after getting a bit of sun through a window. I’m hoping this means by the gig tonight l’ll be fully charged on solar energy and lay the comedy smack down like my name was Sun Ra. What will actually happen however, is that I will feel all sleepy and shit, till halfway through when I realise my face is all burnt and I’ll have to go lie down.

2) Putting the world to rights always seems to involve a lot of people dying. Generally all the dicks. I’m not sure why this is, but after much over analysis whilst eating a 99 flake in the Clifton Downs, we came to the conclusion that people ruin a lot of stuff and should be destroyed. The realisation that we were also people too, came a far too late two hours after. This is worrying and why I should never be in charge of everything in the world.

I have also decided that along with my long mentioned idea for Dragons Den about putting zips on pitta breads, I also want to present the idea if a sho where you can hire a bed for an hour for a snooze. ‘But that’s a hotel?’, you say. No, because this would be own between 10.30am and 4pm when all the hotels let you down do staff can use the rooms for a snooze (that’s what they do). Essentially should my comedy all go wrong (some would argue it already has) I should be ok.

The iPhone is making me angry despite the jazz. All the swing is doing is now making me consider throwing it rhythmically. I will write more things tomorrow including stuff on the space whores and the disappearing ice cream van.