Back Once Again….

Not a great title for my blog today, as I’m worried people will think it refers to the Tories. It doesn’t. They are definitely not renegade masters.

I’ve decided the start this again. I suppose, by typing this, and you reading it, its pretty bloody obvious. Don’t get me wrong, if I could send a psychic message to you all, pre-warning you about imminent re-starting of blog, I would. I would also make you all give me money and morris dance everywhere you went. That is exactly why I’m not allowed psychic powers. That and also because Derren Brown would prove I didn’t have them on telly and I’d look like a prime dick. So why have I started it again I hear you ask? Well, my inquisitive blogees, firstly, its because I love writing this blog. I’ve missed putting words somewhere tangible these last few days and I have a horrible feeling that floating out there in the ether are around 1500 words from the last 3 days of non-bloggery, which will not settle until they land in some sort of anti-alien quota that will one day cause intergalactic warfare. Or not. This blog is a little bit like therapy to me in that if I don’t type stuff up, I will start think odd thoughts about intergalactic warfare and psychic powers. You see what’s happened? And I’d like to say to any who have only just started reading this blog and may worry that it seems like the ramblings of a man having a severe breakdown, I suggest you read back over the last year or so and you will realise that this is no less sane than anything I’ve said ever. So that’s reason one. Reason two, is that lots of nice people have told me they miss this blog. I say lots, I mean about three. But that’s two more than I thought read this, so I got all excited and thought I’d do it for the people. The three people. Still, now I’ve started this for you maybe we can all hang out and you can be my Muskahounds? Oh god, this is what happens when I don’t blog. Its safer for everyone. The lovely Anonymous, who regularly posts on my blog left this comment yesterday:

Shit happens. You are bigger. (Blogs bare witness)(Inadvertently rude material for forthcoming blog?) xA

I liked this loads, but I also think this person clearly hasn’t actually met me, or they would realise I am not at all bigger. In fact I am shorter than most things. I don’t understand the bit about inadvertently rude material but the two sets of brackets together made me think of boobs and I giggled. I am also deciding that the ‘x’ before the ‘A’ means they are an X-Man or woman. So thanks X-A. Much appreciated.

Basically, shit did happen. I won’t go into it, but I will briefly say that I am now single and sort of without anywhere to live. So I’ve been spending the last few nights in a friend’s spare room. I always assumed it would be fun living like a student again, with the staying with friends bit, the hanging out, the booze, but its not as good as you think. Saying that I don’t need to be forcing myself to only eat Pot Noodles and write essays, but you have to do these things properly. Arf. No, seriously, I’m all ok. Staying with my friends has been great and I did a gig last night that has partly sorted me out. They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think its ‘making laughter’ as there is nothing quite like making a lovely room of people laugh, whilst on a bill of top acts, to cheer you up a bundle. It also could be like how scientists that make drugs probably keep the best drugs for themselves. Or not. In fact that would be odd and I can’t imagine many scientists are hiding away a pack of Lemsip that would blow your mind. Last night’s gig was a benefit for Mitch Benn’s daughter’s school, in the school hall. We were warned it may have to be clean material as it was a CoE school and Mitch wasn’t sure how the crowd would be. This is why he’d picked a bill of acts – myself, Rufus Hound and Milton Jones – who could all do friendly stuff if needed. Within 2 minutes of Rufus compering, he’d sworn several times, insulted religious people and made jokes about incest. It was amazing. He judged it perfectly as they went for it entirely. Well apart from one Vicar who was a little sad about a joke about Christian Aid, but you can’t please everyone. From then on though, the crowd were fully comedy savvy and the gig was a delight. What’s the message here? Well, er, maybe no one should ever do clean material ever? Maybe my next Comedy 4 Kids gig should be full of the swears? Erm. Hmm.

So that burst of adrenaline and fun has rocked through to today. Yeah audience if you thought you enjoyed it then you can get screwed ‘cos I enjoyed it more. I was a temporary audience vampire. Ha. Or something. What I am very sad about though is the new Tory / Lib collaboration, or Liberal Cons as I call them. Yes, Clegg said he would go for the side with the most votes, yes the Tories did get the most votes, yes that’s democracy. But, and its a big but – I like big buts and I cannot lie – it doesn’t stop any of them being any less of a bunch of total arseholes who are going to ruin this country to the benefit of the rich and the dismay of everyone else. So far they have collaborated on aims in a way that Cameron seems to have taken the word ‘collaboration’ and changed the dictionary definition to meaning ‘one person not listening to the other person and doing what they want anyway’. Clegg has become a parliamentary work experience boy. He can shadow Cameron whereever he goes, but when it comes to pushing buttons, Clegg just has to take notes and make tea. The Lib Dems have become assimilated. I hope this isn’t a new Tory plan whereby every election they suck in another smaller party until we are left with only a huge Tory party roaming the country shooting the poor from horseback. I’m not going to go on about it too much here, mostly because I will probably be blogging about this in one way or another until another election, and I don’t want to repeat myself. But I’ll finish by saying, if did vote Tory, then you are a big stupid bumhole. That’s all. Oh and George Osbourne is one of the aliens from V and I claim my five pounds.

Back tomorrow.