The Morrisons Effect

Its a day off today and I’m so excited about it that I’ve managed to get to nearly 2pm having completely wasted it so far. This is not fair. Time is not allowed to fly by if I am not having fun. There are rules that should be in place. So far my day has consisted of having some sleep, then going to our local angry Morrisons to once again wonder why on earth I go to our local angry Morrisons. I have written about it in far too many of my blogs, but sadly its a regular occurrence. I suppose its because I hope that one day it won’t be overcrowded with morons who think nothing of barging you out of the way, till staff who glance at the queue stretching to back of the shop and decide that instead of working more efficiently, will chat to their friend on the other till, and odd people. There were lots of the last one today including an obscenely obese man who kept standing slightly too close to me while I was looking at vegetable stock. I began to get worried he was wondering what I’d be like in a broth. Then there was a woman in a bright red jacket, white jeans, had her hair in pig tails and thick rimmed black glasses, chomping on a sausage roll like the world was about to end. She appeared to be the bastard child of Sue Pollard and Ivy the Terrible and she would stand in the middle of the cheese aisle causing everyone to swerve around her while she stared at them gormlessly. Twat.

Still, now having endured all that, my day suddenly feels better. Its like Morrisons is there to provide the low that will mean whatever else happens, today will be pretty good. Even if I was to fall down the steps to my flat and break both my legs, at least I wouldn’t be stranded in the frozens section next to a man who smells of wee while a lady who looks like she’s made of teabags shouts at her child for existing. For that I am grateful. Its been a pretty good week overall, with a really great gig at the Komedia last night, so I wouldn’t want to just glide throw today feeling ungrateful for having a day off. No, that would be snobbish. So thank you Morrisons Holloway Road for giving me some perspective on things.

Last night was particularly brilliant. It was one of those where you worry that you will jinx it by saying so, as though mentioning just how lovely the crowd are will cause someone to instantly redress the balance and ruin it all. But it just wasn’t the case. The front row consisted of such interesting people as a lady that does recruitment for nuclear power plants and a professional window cleaner, which was much fun to banter about. But more than that, they just seemed up for really enjoying a night of comedy. I wanted to someone capture them all, feed them into the next update of MS Office and hand them round as a template to other audiences. ‘Here you go, that’s how you should all be.’ I’m not sure how a crowd becomes like that but I might make it my mission to travel around the world, barefoot like Cain from Kung Fu, searching for the key to making a group of people operate as one lovely unit of good audience (that’s an official measurement). Then I wondered if perhaps they were all brainwashed. Or the Borg. Maybe I’ve mistakenly enjoyed something that was caused by government experimentation causing none of them ever to think individually again? Well if thats the case, then keep experimenting government, you’re doing very well.

Not really sure what I’m talking about anymore, so I shall go and eat my veggie bacon sandwich and think about how much I’m not in Morrisons. Yey!