iPad Slag Acting

Some things:


So the iPad is now here. What does this mean? I’m not really sure. I’ve got a computer, I have an iPhone and an iPod. More importantly I have actual books and I can read newspapers. Why would I need an iPad? I really don’t know, but goddamn I really want one. I want to walk around with it like I have a piece of the future in my hands and then say to people, ‘hmm maybe I’ll read a webbook or download Dickins to my face.’ That last bit sounds very wrong. Not sure about the choice of name. I understand that Apple now have this ‘i’ thing locked down, but considering how futuristic its all getting we need some numbers like 6000 at the end of stuff, or names that sound like they could fight robots. The zapperbookfucker 6000 or something. iPad feels a bit like something you might have to use if you get a scratched cornea. Someone else said it’s like a technological sanitary towel. ‘What do you do with your film scripts McG when you don’t have any plotline for them?’ ‘iPad’. etc etc. I’m sure in a few years time everyone will have one which they’ll plug into their iShoes whilst eating iFood.


Last night a lady got upset with me because I called her and her bunch of friends ‘slags’. This wasn’t the most inventive thing I could have said and I realised that had I not been so lazy I could’ve said something a bit better to make the loud group of shouting irritating women shut up. However, it was in the heat of the moment and so I said ‘slags’. Oddly comparing women to large heaps of metal makes them very sad. I explained the to woman that while I was sure they weren’t slags, they were talking all the way through the acts and this was not good. Her response was not to apologise but to tell me that her friend had just recovered from cancer and it was her first night out. Hmm. Tough one. Its a tough one because while you want to have sympathy in these sorts of situations, having cancer doesn’t mean you should shout all the way through other people’s sets. If this theory was true then I wanted to say, ‘I’m diabetic, does that mean I can run around punching children?’ I’m not sure if that’s really the same, but my brain was a little tired. I’m never sure how to say it to people, but while I feel sympathy for anyone who’s gone through that, unless you have tourettes, constantly shouting out during a gig is purely behavior for arseholes. Just because you have an affliction, doesn’t mean you stop being an arsehole. Just an arsehole with an affliction. It felt a little like I was about to enter an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I didn’t go any further with it. Instead I left out a line about cancer out of respect and thankfully they shut up and it all ended up being nice.


I’m going to do a script reading in an hour or two, as rehearsals for this Sunday’s Scratch: An Itch Event at the Pleasance Theatre. The part I am playing is of a ‘tall, Scottish man’. Never again will I complain about being typecast. I haven’t learnt any of the lines, I have only read the script once and I have to leave early to go to Broadstairs. Essentially I am being hugely unhelpful to everyone. I think I will continue this trend by going to the cafe afterwards and ordering something that isnt on the menu then shouting ‘don’t you know who I am?’ lots of times over. They won’t know who I am. It will be embarrassing. But still, it will be two steps further to being a Hollywood star. I’m excited about acting again. I did loads of from the age of 6 when I kicked the arse out of being a statue in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, all the way through uni where I did plays such as the Real Inspector Hound and Bollocks. The best bit about plays is that people already write all the material for you, and if it doesn’t get laughs its because your character isn’t funny. Or because its a greek tragedy. Or because you can’t act and its embarrassing.


I’ve never had kimchi before and as such, I will boldly say I probably haven’t really lived properly. Yesterday, I went to my friend Louis’ for lunch. He’s a bit of a culinary genius and whipped up some severely good Korean food. But whilst his cooking was ace, the best stuff was a tiny pot of kimchi. Its merely cabbage with chilli and garlic and something else that may well be dodgy, but goddamn is it the best cabbage ever. I don’t really have any jokes or comments about it. I merely want you all to know about it. Motherfrikkin’ kimchi. I am very worried the ingredient I don’t know is some sort of addictive drug.


That’s where I’m going this eve. Sometimes I look at my gigs and think ‘things are definitely going upwards careerwise’. Then I have a gig in Broadstairs. Still at least tomorrow’s blog might be interesting.