My News Review

Well that’s it then. The recession is officially over according to the news. Well done everyone. All you who’ve been made unemployed, you can go back to work now. Yep that’s fine. All of you who have had entire businesses collapse, yeah just start then again, it’ll be dandy. I’ll stop being poor before it gets unfashionable again and then maybe we can have all our money back from RBS and the other banks and tube fares, taxes and VAT can go down. That’s how it happens isn’t it? No? What do you mean inflation is rising and taxes will rise whoever gets in government? Oh. That’s not really very fair at all. I’ll have the recession back then please. Thankyou.

Maybe this is why the terror alert went up? Out of fear that despite the economy getting better, us broke peoples will just get increasingly more poor until David Cameron stomps over the country in some rich boots like a public school educated Godzilla. I honestly don’t know what to make of this last week of news. Terror alerts, end of recession and a general election in May, it seems as though the snow was just delaying a horde of other important things that have all defrosted and launched themselves on the public in one week. Here’s my immensely quick view on it all from a man that doesn’t really understand any of it:

Terror Alert – Without meaning to sound hugely cynical, its odd that the terror alert has gone up the very week Blair is being interrogated for killing Iraqis illegally. Not by any means am I suggesting its a wonderful ‘hey look over there’ ruse to distract us while Blair says ‘yep I’m a terrible human being but no one cares because they are all hiding in bomb shelters’ and then he can dance away like a big grinning pixie of middle eastern hate, but it probably is. All recent terror attacks have been thwarted to the level where airport security now have to look in everyone’s pants. Not only that but although we’ve had recent messages from Osama Bin Laden, the news fails to report that he’s on a kidney dialysis machine, so I can’t imagine he’s that hard to find. Look for a cave with sufficient electricity surges to keep a man alive and your there. If that doesn’t work then try checking through HMV’s sales reports and find the only person in the world that still buys C-90 tapes and you’ll have him. Taking all this as evidence, I’m really not scared about terrorist attacks, I’m slightly more terrified that an ex-PM will ride off scot free* from years of massacre because we are slightly worried someone will try and inject their knob on public transport again.

The End of Recession – See above. Its not over till I can buy a coffee in a chain establishment without spluttering ‘how much?’, scrabbling at the pennies in my pocket and crying into my hands.

General Election – I like the way its called a general election. I often wonder if that’s why people don’t bother voting in it. If it was called the ‘big bloody important election’ then people might take note. Well now its revealed that its on May 6th we can enjoy several months of TV ads and billboards where New Tories and the Conservalabour tell each other how alike they are and why don’t they just hold hands and privatise the country together. Still though, us lefties (I do count myself as one despite my lack of knowledge on it all) will adamantly not vote Tories because, despite only being a child at the time, I remember the 80s and when Thatcher took the milk away from the schools and the miners crying on telly. Cameron looks shinier than Thatcher but once he gets the seat of power it will affect him like Gollum with the ring and his face will shrivel up until it reveals his true evil. So I’ll want to vote for Green or someone else but will realise its futile to vote for anyone but Labour in order to stop the Tories and the BNP and then ultimately things will stay the same and we’ll all continue to be unhappy. Or the Tories will get in and we’ll all continue to be unhappy. Lets face it, unhappiness looms unless the entire country can all band together and vote Monster Raving Looney Party. They once said that as well as hot and cold taps in every house there would be a custard and jelly tap. That’s a sure fire winner.

I’m now going to ignore news and get on with my day before I decide to emigrate to an island where democracy doesn’t exist and I can be king by finding the biggest stone.

For Londoners:

Fat Tuesday is sold out tonight. You didn’t need to know that, but I like telling everyone. It makes me feel smug. All the line-ups till June are up on if you want a peek. Also I’m doing the brilliant SO Comedy night tomorrow should you fancy coming along. See here for info (if Facebook stops being broken):

For non-Londoners:

Why are you still reading? There’s nothing for you here. Go on. Scram. Scram. Before I start waving my stick at you! Right, you asked for it. *waves stick*

* Scot Free – definition. Free from all Scottish people. Thats the sort of racist Blair is and why he can’t go near Brown anymore.