Big Frosty Dickhouse

Its not snowy near my flat. I feel a little bit like I’ve been cheated by the weather. On the one hand, this is a good thing as I have to drive to Leeds today, and any snow mayhem would surely make such an adventure difficult. I say adventure, but until they put loop the loops on the M1 or giant snakes like I’ve recommended, then it will only ever be a lengthy grey trail of dullness. I have been told that it is definitely pretty snowy nearer to Leeds so I worry that by not snowing where I am, the weather has given me false pretences in order to really mess me up later on. I’ll be slowly lured out of my warm flat, coerced into believing my 200 mile trip is going to be a breeze when in fact its going to be a big frosty dickhouse. I used that term to describe the weather last night and I have since grown fond of it. I often wish actual weather reports would use such language. Sometimes when it says ‘heavy rain’ I think, well just how heavy is it? Is it raincoat heavy or just hoodie heavy? Whereas if one of those GMTV weather girls turned up and said ‘its a shitstorm of rain shit’ I’d know it was jacket heavy. Or if they said ‘its like sky piss’, I wouldn’t worry to much. Ah, as typing this, someone on Twitter has told me that it is pretty bad in Leeds. In which I shall now pack provisions should I be trapped in the car for more than a day. I am like an arctic explorer if the arctic was a big grey motorway and you were allowed to drive all the way down it to the poles. Essentially I am nothing like an arctic explorer.

Last night I did my only corporate of the season, for a friend of mine who I have known since uni. It wasn’t just for her, that’d be weird. No it was for her Christmas works do, for her company, which I still can’t entirely work out what it does. No before I proceed with this, it was nice. The people were nice, I was treated nicely, feedback has been that they enjoyed it muchly. But I didn’t. They had no idea I was going to be on, and as they were tucking into their desserts, I stumbled on stage to do 30 minutes of hilarity. The first 15 went well, and then I made a joke at the expense of the MD and it turned out they all really like him, so the next 15 became a tad tougher. Laughter suddenly became disparate and I struggled to realise what I’d done. I carried on and I got them back on my side, then lost them again, then got them back then lost them again. It was like a game of ping pong with their concentration. I walked off stage feeling a bit as though I hadn’t done a great job. And then lots of them told me I had. It makes you realise exactly why comedy clubs are great. This works do wasn’t expecting me. Then they didn’t know what style of comedy I would do and then when I started talking to them, they couldn’t just feel comfortable laughing at any audience banter as they all knew each other and had preconceived relationships with everyone. Essentially when it comes to how to make a comedian’s life easier, gigs at works dos probably shouldn’t happen. When it comes to making works dos more fun, gigs at them probably should happen. I’ve decided that I will become an entirely selfish comedian who is only out to make my life more fun rather than anyone elses. An anti-comic. If they are laughing I’ve lost but if I’m laughing I win. Hmm. I have a feeling this might not work.

Tomorrow’s blog will be done from my iPhone as I won’t have my laptop and I’ll no doubt still be stuck in a snowed under car on the M1. So if there is no blog, just watch this:

It was posted on Twitter last night by the awesome Terry Saunders (@terrysaunders) and I stupidly watched it just before I went to bed. This meant ages of lying in the dark contemplating just how incredibly insignificant I and everyone else is, what the rest of the universe is all about and then I remembered my favourite mental theory about how perhaps we all just the atoms in giant people’s bodies and then they are the atoms in even more giant people’s bodies. I like this theory because it is both completely mental and also means I could essentially cause someone to be really ill without having to do much. I am considering becoming a scientist but not studying anything and just telling people that theories like that are correct because I’ve checked. I would then say that the bits of the universe we can’t yet map contain an entire planet of people that look like Nicholas Parsons and one where blancmange is the king. Then I would say that I had a tom tom with the map of it all on but no one else could have a look. I like science.

I am now going to drive to Leeds. Wish me luck. If you can’t wish me luck at least when I become a frosty dead snowman, put a nice hat on me and stick a pipe in my mouth. Thanks.