Death by Calzone

Its a bit bloody lovely in Spain. By writing any sort of blog I have to sit in a dark (albeit air conditioned) room completely devoid of sunlight, pool or all the other lovely things that are here. On the plus side this room is lacking in children shouting at me which is rather odd as I have grown so used to it, it almost seems too quiet. Angus and Kirsty (Layla´s nephew and niece) are brilliant but haven´t really left us alone since we arrived. So far we have had to indulge in treasure hunts (to find a soft toy dog), go on the elephant slides, do roly poly´s in the swimming pool and discuss at length the same bit in the crap Star Wars prequel films over and over again. I have got my own back by getting 10 minutes of quiet asking Angus to check the temperature in all corners of the pool and report back to me, which took him some time and very much confused him. I also tried to explain to Kirsty using the squishy head method, that if I can put a palm tree between my thumb and finger within my field of vision, its only that big. Which meant that as she was next to me, she was bigger than a palm tree. It goes without saying that all her logic and knowlegde of judging heights and shapes has been trampled on, of which I am very proud.

Not much else to say really. The journey here was pretty good. Despite its name, Monarch airlines are not fit for any kind of royalty, but they are decent. What wasn´t decent was the excessively fat man that sat next to me and smelt of wee and the baby that cried throughout the entire journey. The latter probably could have been solved by the parents if they hadn´t spent the whole time telling said baby to shut up and stop it. Well done giving those instructions to someone who can´t yet talk. Idiots. Neither of those are Monarchs fault of course, but I can´t help but wonder if they should smell check people before they board.

The resort and apartment are amazing. Me and Layla have to sleep in the living room which means we will be woken up by a silly hour every day. Today, surprisingly, was not by the kids who were very considerate, but by Layla´s mum telling the kids, in a very loud voice, to be quiet incase they wake us up. She managed not to notice the hypocrisy in doing this but being the polite outsider I kept quiet. I´ve managed to get a teensy bit sunburnt already, but not enough for it to endanger my outside activities. This will no doubt happen at some point today. I am wearing factor 30 but it seems I am so pale nothing will save me bar some sort of radiation suit.

Other things to note:

Have nearly finished the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brookes. It is excellent but I am now more paranoid about a zombie attack then ever before. I have seriously checked what could be used as weapons and supplies with the apartment and all possible escape routes. There are only two. Back down the stairs or off the third floor balcony. I hope the stairs are clear as I´m not good at falling off buildings. Although saying this, I have never tried so I could be an expert.

I ate a calzone last night that was massive and looked like a giant cornish pasty. I couldn´t finish it and Layla´s dad told me to use the Kenyan phrase for ´I am defeated.´I did and I was.

I have not yet checked the plains as there are none here. However there is only sun on the beaches and mountains so perhaps the plains are indeed rainy. More news when I get it.

Right back to the sunshine to burn my face off…..