This is a pre-written blog ‘cos I by the time I would normally be posting this blog I will either be in a) the air or b) my swimshorts and by a pool. It all depends on what time I would have bothered posting my blog on a normal day. It will most likely be b) as our flight is stupid o’clock. It leaves at 7am, so we have to be there at 5am which means leaving our flat at 3.30am. I’m debating right now whether to be all cool and stay up all night or to grab 4 hours sleep now and get angry about waking up when I have to. Either way it will result in some sort of sleep deprived grump. Whatever I choose them Spanish peoples had better be prepared for an angry T. I bet they aren’t prepared for that at all. And they’d be right not to bother as no matter how tired I am, I will get to the sunshine and suddenly be much happier than I should. This always happens to me and I don’t like it. Even if someone had shat on my shoes, if its sunny I will find it hard to get as angry about it as I should. Saying that, I have never experienced misfortune of that level in any kind of climate so I think were someone to actually shit on my shoes there would definitely be surprise, then shock, then anger then later joy that it had given me material to talk about. Although it also depends on which shoes they had shat on. If it was my new trainers, then there would be violence. Then surprise, then shock then later joy at the material it had given me to talk about. I suppose its best just to hope that it won’t happen in Spain or I reckon it will probably hamper the holiday somewhat.

Everything is packed and ready. No thanks to me. I attempted but Layla kept saying phrases like ‘you’ve done it all wrong’, ‘that’s not folding’ and ‘just get out and do something else’. You’d think she didn’t want my help or something. After much deliberating I gave in and went to do a kids gig in Woking, which isn’t, as I had thought, where they invented woks. Instead its an odd place where many of the local inhabitants seem to follow the template of ‘pond scum’. If there was a clip art of ‘chav’ or perhaps a picture in the dictionary then these people would fit the profile perfectly. I wonder if its a purposeful thing and perhaps to ward off strangers. When no one else is around they bust out the tweed and get down to polo. I only assume this as the crowd was of a very different nature. A boy at the front, aged 11, was called Lorenzo. I asked if he owned oil, referring to the film that clearly no one under the age of 35 has seen. I still haven’t seen it. I’m waiting till I’m 35. He obviously did not get it but told me instead that his uncle owned oil. Then later further info was gleaned that he once owned a pet monkey and went to military school. At this point I stopped talking to him, for fear that in 10 years time he will probably run and own many things.

I haven’t been to Spain in years. I’m looking forward to checking up on rainfall in both the high and plain areas just to prove the saying wrong as I have on previous visits. It doesn’t mostly fall there, we were lied to. I will be doing further investigations like this whilst away so if you have any queries on Spain or any requests please leave a comment and I will try my best to find out for you. Until then, all blogs will probably be very tiny as I’m on holiday. That means I don’t want to type or think or eat or sleep. Except the last two, of which I will do loads.

Some quick notes for whilst I’m away.

1) Fat Tuesday happens three times this week. Monday is Marcus Brigstoke and Pete Johansson. Tuesday is Glenn Wool and Matt Kirshen and then Wednesday is Marcus Brigstoke again and Mark Walker. It will be good. Have a look at for details and ticket booking. I won’t be there obviously so Georgie will be running it all. Go and poke him in the eye then laugh.

2) Me and Tom Craine have decided to do a last minute preview next Sunday at the lovely Bookshop Theatre, at Calder’s bookshop in Waterloo. I have no idea how much tickets are but they’ll probably be cheap. It starts at 7.30pm and all details are here:

Right I’m off for sun, sea, sand, sangria’s and whatever else was in the Capri Sun advert years ago. Probably Capri Sun. I’m pleased I don’t drink juice from a space tin anymore. Just seems wrong. Astronauts are rubbish. No way as good as astroones or astrotwos. And on that bombshell, off to Espana!