I am about to go any play squash with Tom Craine. I’ve never played squash before, and worse than that, I haven’t played any sports or had any sort of exercise for quite some time. There is a high chance that I am going to injure or kill myself today. I assume from seeing it on expensive US dramas that squash is pretty hardcore. They always use squash when one of the characters is angry and needs to smack the hell out of something. The character in question is always some high flying lawyer or exec too. I am neither angry or a high flying exec. Even if I was the latter, by going to play at the Sobell centre near my house, I would be instantly demoting myself. The Sobell is one of those sports centre’s that always has an air of danger about it. I haven’t been back since I played comedy 5-a-side there and various people’s bags got nicked. And before that I hadn’t been for about 5 years. That wasn’t to do with crime but more because I got out ice skated by a bunch of 7 year olds and couldn’t live down the shame. They’ve been balancing for less of their life than I had, how on earth could they glide like a Disney Ice show when I kept falling on my arse and almost getting my fingers cut off? Witches, they must have all been ice witches. So I’m worried today’s squash event may be bad. I’ve been told that squash professionals wear goggles. I don’t have goggles. I give it 30 minutes before I have a PJ and Duncan moment and start crying ‘My eyes! PJ my eyes!’
It would be the 3rd bad event in the last 24 hours if that’s the case. The other two were getting flashed twice by speed cameras on the way home last night. Twice. I was obviously driving like a dick, but I was very tired and only a few miles over each time. I hate getting flashed, unless its by some sexy ladies, oooh yeah. Sorry. Getting flashed by speed cameras creates this horrible sinking feeling as you carry on driving. I think there should be some sort of system so that when it happens you get to just pull over, wherever you are, and swear a bit before continuing. Even more irritating is that fact that in just a few weeks time my licence was due to have the 3 points on there removed. Now it looks like there is a chance of adding 6 more. I know they say points mean prizes, but in this instance its wrong. I have never wanted to win the prize of getting my licence removed and spending a crap load of money on fines. In fact that’s a terrible prize. I’d prefer a blender or a holiday for two.
The gig I was heading home from wasn’t too bad either. It did not warrantee driving fast out of a need to escape. Don’t get me wrong, there were some idiots there. I say some, but there were only 14 in the crowd and 1 of them was a complete moron. He made this obvious from the start by asking the MC if he had any ‘racist jokes’. It was clearly his attempt at being funny, but the fact he was a big skinhead made it dubious as to exactly whether he was joking or not. He then continued to talk and be a dick throughout Matt Reed’s opening set. I will never understand the arseholes who think they are contributing to a show by talking to the act all the way through it. Shows are never advertised as ‘ an aggressive chat with 3 acts’. Although that could be a good idea for a new night. Hmmm. Then he left and I had a great set. Hahaha gutted Reed, gutted. It was a pity there were only 14 in, but it was in an Indian Restaurant and as it was pointed out many a time, its not the perfect weather for a curry at the moment. Saying that, I would eat a curry at any time ever. I managed to restrain myself last night though. I say restrain but the food wasn’t free so it wasn’t a hard choice.
This is my 200th blog of this run. I have blogged before but they have often dwindled out like the career of many an 80’s movie actor. I’m pretty amazed that this one has gone on so long without me messing up. I thought to celebrate my 200thness why not have a read of my old blogs. They weren’t very good and its really just my way of being lazy. I’ve done 200 of these so I think it’s only fair. I mean it’s not like I’ll get two emails from the Queen or anything, so at least if you have a read of these I can go away and prepare myself for squash death.
Enjoy, or rather, don’t. They are rubbish: