All a Bit of a Blur

I’m going to see Blur today. That’s really all that matters. In fact I’d be quite happy to leave the blog there before going away to gloat about the rest of my day. I’m properly excited. Not to the level I might wee myself though. Some people use that as an indicator of excitement. I personally think its an indicator of bladder control issues. No I’m just excited to the level where I have been playing through all of Blur’s albums all week and will probably get all hyper when the come on stage and whoop and cheer in a way that is embarrassing to me and Layla and everyone around us. The thing is I’m not too embarrassing because I never remember the song lyrics or names of songs, so while I will know each and every tune they play, I will have to mumble along, with good intent but no diction. I will still on occasion sing and shout the lyrics I don’t know and that is where awkwardness around other fans may happen. As far as they are concerned I am scum and a vanilla fan for not knowing each and every word. Well I don’t and its something I’m very bad at, so sorry. There are only a handful of songs I know all the lyrics too and I think my brain can only store a certain amount at a time. Unfortunately it filled up with early 90s hip hop lyrics and now all else is blocked. However if you ever need to know parts of The Pharcyde’s Labcabincalifornia then I’m your T. No one ever does though. People are often hungry for lyrics from their first album, ‘Bizarre Ride II The Pharcyde’, and the band have now spilt up so I will never ever need to shout the lyrics I know. God I wish I’d heard Blur’s lyrics first then I could irritate people a lot more efficiently by signing along in a way that drowns out Damon for the four people around me and makes them enjoy the gig that tad less.

I feel like the gig is much deserved as this morning myself and Wendy Wason finished our workshops with the 7 year olds in her daughter’s class at school. Today was the assembly, where I hosted and introduced 20 of them onto the stage to do 1 minute of stand-up each. I hadn’t seen any of them since the first time we had been there but Wendy had gone back to the class a few times to help tutor them. She said some of them were good but I really didn’t know what to expect. I was actually a bit nervous. The school hall filled up with 200 kids, their teachers and a few parents. After a few words from the headteacher who seemed good natured but as serious as a headteacher needs to be, I strolled up and made all the kids shout as loud as possible before using words such as ‘poo’ and ‘bum’ to make them all giggle a lot. It was a lot of fun and it seemed to work very well, until I got them all to scream as loud as they could. Sadly two parents at the back had brought their tiny babies with them and the screaming caused them to cry creating upmost cacophony. I quite enjoyed it. The headteacher looked at me with a sort of stare that said ‘You realise you are making the kids into a state that for the rest of the day will be hell for us all?’ I saw that look and continued. All the kids were great. Some obviously better than others and those that spoke into the mic were definitely at an advantage. Then I thanked them all, got the audience to applaud and left it to them to sing a brilliant song about elephants. The headteacher then returned to the stage and gave out awards to the kids for good behaviour whilst grumbling about how he never gets to say jokes. I felt a bit sorry for him, but at the same time there was a lovely feeling about being cooler than the headteacher for 5 mins. I wondered what my old headteacher would have thought about me doing all the stuff I used to get told off for doing, in front of another school of kids. All the children left the assembly all hyped up and bouncing off the walls, which was Wendy and my cue to escape. I do like the way we got to do the fun bit then give them back when they go all mental. I think the teacher’s were less pleased about that bit. Overall it was a success, and I now have a whole bunch of 7 year olds jokes I can steal for my own set. My new 5 minute section on that time when my Dad eat chips and then got ketchup on the wall and then said he didn’t want to waste food so dipped his chips on the wall and then ate it hahahahahahahahhahahaha.

It was oddly more comfortable than last night’s gig. Not because of crowd. The audience were brilliant, but the heat was stupid. It was less a heatwave and more a hot tsunami. The venue was a lovely pub in Stratford Upon Avon, and the upstairs room was obviously a fairly established music venue with posters for many tribute bands adorning the walls. My favourite was ‘Fred Zepplin’, which is just superbly underwhelming. One man, imitating the entire band of Led Zepplin. I can’t imagine the moment when he decided that’s what he would do with his life and how lucky he was to be called Fred. I can’t but feel there is something sinister about one man called Fred singing ‘Whole Lotta Love’. As the small but lovely crowd started sitting down the heat just got worse despite the management’s promise of air con. There would have been more cold air if a penguin had been farting in the corner. The show was fun but after 10 minutes you could see the crowd struggling to laugh or in fact do anything. I was fairly sure some of them evaporated before the second section. Sy Thomas did some very admirable compering and the show was closed by a preview from Dan Antopolski which was brilliant. On the way home, to celebrate his driving ban only being 3 months and not six, Dan said he would buy us whatever we wanted from the service station, which is no mean promise. We ended up with some sandwiches, fizzy pop and a 12 pack box of Krispy Kreme donuts. We consumed two each, from a box of assorted varieties. We were like unsafe drug users who didn’t care what the intoxicant contained, we just took it. It was like 24 Hour Party People for fatties. It was only about 5 minutes before I felt a bit unsafe to drive and everyone went quiet through sugar highs. I don’t think the police have a breathalyser for high levels of sugar but I was worried they would pull me over and try to get me on it. “How many have you had?’ ‘Just two officer.’ ‘Over how long?’ ‘Er, 5 minutes, burp.’ “Get in the back of the van!’ I feel terrible today and I think it may be some sort of Krispy hangover. I think these things are possible. Dan went home with the last six and I can only hope he made it back ok. Chances are he’s done something he doesn’t remember and regrets, waking up with the weird taste of chocolate, custard and dough in his mouth.

I’m going to see Blur. I win.