Grow Gills And Stop Being Lazy

The weather outside is horrific. I can say that from my very safe observational post of our front room where I’ve spent most of today watching people clutching their hoods and being blown down the street. One of the few joys of this ‘end of days’ style weather is that no one is able to look cool in it. We are all reduced to the coat up, head down stance of defending against mother nature. Well apart from me. I’m just in a t-shirt like some sort of storm protected overlord. Every now and then I shout things like ‘You shall not pass!’ and ‘Beware the winds of despair!’ I’m probably everyone’s favourite person on our street right now.

It is frightening to see how many reports of flooding and strong winds we are getting in the UK at the moment. Or ‘exceptional weather’ as the Environmental Secretary Owen Paterson calls it. He is also the man who insisted that the badger cull had failed because the stripy creatures had ‘moved the goalposts.’ I’m fairly certain that Owen has no idea about how nature or the environment work at all and spends his days feeling tormented by squirrels and wondering what button to press to turn the rain off. This almost certainly must be the case because otherwise, why oh why oh why oh why, would the government choose today, of all days to announce they are making cuts to jobs in flood protection.

There’s only a handful of reasons as to why they might do this. As someone pointed out to me on Twitter today, maybe its because the government have noted all the flooding that’s happened lately and decided obviously the flood defence team aren’t doing a very good job. Owen probably assumes that they were off sending a tweet when they should’ve been lying on the river bank like a human sandbag and that sort of insolence deserves punishment. This wouldn’t shock me at all. I suspect he has many pictures up on his office wall of potential ways to fight floods with pictures of him punching them, or using a lot of kitchen towels. Of course, it could also be that only by seeing pictures of floods and people suffering due to them, that the entire government remembered what floods are and how they affect people and consequently realised they employ people to do that. The unlucky flood protection team were probably all snug hiding away in an office somewhere completely forgotten, until the North Atlantic Ocean went and cocked it all up. So suddenly here’s another area that can just be demolished and anyway shouldn’t people in those areas just learn to swim or grow gills or something and stop being quite so lazy? And anyway isn’t more water great as then there’s more space for our yachts to faff about on?

The only other thing I can think of is that the PR department for the Coalition are really incredible double agents who aim to take them down from the inside. I hope this is true. So far they’ve sent David Cameron to meet flood victims – HAVEN’T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH?? – and now right in the middle of the south coast becoming an Atlantis tribute park, announced these cuts. I really hope that evil PR is the case. Otherwise its another notch towards Defcon 5 on the despair levels. I have no love for this government anyway but to continue to be so incompetent that they aren’t even pretending to care anymore, really feels so obviously bleak. Is it so much to ask for a government that at least pretends to give a shit? I’ve realised this situation will only worsen until we get rid of them for another government who will probably be just as bad, but I’m at least asking for a group of people who can pretend a bit. People who won’t announce they are getting rid of the very workers who may help those being hit by floods that are currently happening. People who have at least watched Waterworld once.

Right, must go. Someone outside is attempting to use an umbrella despite the wind. I’m assuming they must be a relative of the Environmental Secretary.



I’m doing my first ever UK tour in 2014, starting end of January. All dates and most ticket links are up at my website: Please spread the word and come along as if you’re not there, it’ll be rubbish. It’ll just be me in a room and if I can’t get 3G I’ll be really bored. The very funny Chris Coltrane is supporting me on some dates and the brilliant Keith Farnan is doing a double header with me on others.