Gary Barflow

Right, wordpress has deleted this post once already today, so it’s possibly too rebellious for it, and they are maybe too worried about letting something onto the internet that may cause a ripple through the system. But fuck it, let’s try again. Mega thanks to @ShaneHudson on Twitter who is a saviour of the blog. All follow him nowise as payment for his wondrous work. Let’s do this people!

I’ve never been one to start my own movements or activism campaigns. Normally I jump onboard other people’s righteous bandwagons and bellow their word to others while avoiding doing any of the hard work involved in actually coming up with something that may change the world for the better. Now I’m not saying I’ve come up with this just because I heard that The Muppets are going to be on tonight’s X-Factor, but I think it would help me get over such a revelation if this were to take off. I mean, when I saw that on Twitter yesterday I did immediately think ‘IS NOTHING FUCKING SACRED???’ and started to plot some sort of way of stopping this. They are better than that. They are. Sure, not all the Muppet Movie trailers have been good. Some have been downright poor. But others, others have been great. It’s hard for them to ever do any wrong, but to have the main Muppets cast onstage with Olly Murs feels like the Henson company are pissing on Jim’s grave while high giving George Lucas as their plan to tear my childhood apart goes further into action.

Everyone knows who the Muppets are, there is no need for them to shamelessly whore themselves on the dregs of reality TV is there? What’s next? That someone on I’m A Celeb has to eat Elmo’s balls? Or Oscar the Grouch is one of the Celeb Big Brother inmates? Although that might be amazing. Especially if there’s ever an argument about who takes out the bins or something. Do they even do that on Big Brother? How can people be in a house together all that time and not take the bins out? *shudders* I’m just saying, the Muppet Movie will do well anyway. They would do well even if it included a Muppet version of Monica Belluci’s scene in Irreversible involving Miss Piggy and Sweetums. They are untouchable. Until, that is, they demean themselves by being in proper shit telly.

So, like I said, not directly as a result of this, but I’ve decided it might be fun, and suitable revenge for such horrors, if, every time you see or hear mention of, or see a picture or real life version of Gary Barlow, just retch. An automatic little bleurgh noise, like it’s involuntary. Like you can’t help that the mere fact that he exists makes your body need to excrete everything you’ve just eaten back out of your mouth as a sheer revulsion that he exists. Now I know already you’re thinking this is flawed. Gary didn’t make the Muppets do X-Factor did he? No. It was probably that Cowell bloke. Sure, there might not be an actual connection on here apart from the fact that I want people to retch at Gary Barlow and he’s on X-Factor which made me sad by the inclusion of a Muppet appearance. But fact is, either way, let’s pretend they’re linked and it’ll become a more powerful message. Gary deserves it either way though. He’s an active Tory supporter yet organises ‘Children In Need Rocks’, knowing full well under the current government there will be more children in need than there have been for decades. In need of a decent education, a welfare system and for their parents to have jobs and enough money to feed them.

Then add that to the fact he’s on X-Factor, who are making the Muppets shit, and you get full reason to retch when you hear or see Gary Barlow. So let’s do this people. Right? The hashtag on twitter is #GaryBarflow, if we all do it by tonight’s X-Factor then it can become a stream of vom noises for a full hour. Eventually people will start doing it unconsciously. Walking past HMV and catching a glimpse of an old Take That album cover and retching. Seeing posters or hearing his name on the radio and just bringing up a bit of bile without thinking about it. Then at his Royal Albert Hall show, thousands of people who though they were his fans just start being unable to stop themselves from violently feeling sick and a chorus of horrible squelchy noises will fill the venue. Eventually everywhere he goes this will happen until he is lead to believe it is him that is responsible for people being sick everywhere at any time and he is forced to hide indoors never writing music or being seen again. That day, I will knock on his door, and shout ‘that’s for ruining the Muppets for me you cock!’ and he will be hugely confused. Then if he opens the door, I will see him, retch, and run away knowing my work has been done.