As of today, I’ve been asked to take part in Movember three times. I have also refused politely three times and thus its sort of cancelled each other out, but I have still have the lingering feeling like those who’ve asked me think I’m some sort of a dingbat for saying no. I have many a reason why I shan’t take part in a month of facial challenge, and all of these I feel are above board. Feel free to dispute. We’ll start with the shallow reason. Every now and then I pretend I’m shallow and its fun. Sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like if I refused to get on with people based on what shoes they were wearing (something I would never do unless they had racist shoes), or how my life would be if I stopped doing anything that was inconvenient for me or might mess up my hair (or as I call it ‘the do’. Only one ‘o’ in that or it sounds like I call my hair a turd and it most certainly is not. Its a small flick of hair that required four swift hand movements and enough hair wax to make a candle for a bear). I can never go through with these thoughts, but added along with other more, ahem, reasonable thoughts, I feel they add gravitas to the fact I’m squirming out of helping a good cause.

Ok, here it is. Judge me as you wish: I already tried many beard styles. I like my beard. I hate my chin. To get a moustache over the month of November I’d either have to shave everything off and start again, which would mean weeks of getting ID’d for booze and telling my own chin that its shit in the mirror, or shaving around my beard for one day then spending the rest of the month wondering why my cheeks are cold. This feels slightly against the point of Movember and my cheeks don’t handle winter weather well, so they are best protected with my furry self grown balaclava of joy. Yes, that is sometimes what I call it. If I was to shave my beard off and grow a moustache I know I’d get too carried away with what moustache to have, shaving off bit after bit, taking pics of ‘Victorian Gent’ all the way down to ‘Hitler’ only to then be stuck with Hitler and get into trouble for a) looking like Hitler or b) stealing Richard Herring’s material about looking like Hitler. Neither of these are good.

Second slightly less shallow reason focuses on others so I feel its a bit more reasonable. Hear this chums: Thunk of all the people who have moustaches because they choose to all year round. Suddenly, for one month, their choice of facial apparatus is a joke for charity. How horrible is that? I remember Glenn Wool shaving off his amazing handlebar last November cos everyone thought he’d done if for charity. No! He’d done it for lifetime ‘tache status. Think of all those who enter the world moustache championships who spend years growing a boat or a dragon on their upper hairy lip, and now, suddenly the meaning, the dream, is nothing but joining in with a month of men who’ve always wanted to look like a porn star but haven’t had a reason to.

Now you’ve sucked that in and chewed on it, let’s step up to the real reason and this is where I probably will be judged. Some might say I’m an idealist. Some might say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. Lots of people dream. Especially if they have cheese. But I am probably too stuck in the possibility of an ideal world and I like to think that one day, people will just donate to charity for the sake of donating to charity. One day people will realise that there are causes and people in the world who need funding in order to succeed in medical and environmental ventures and then we’ll all just give £2 each, everyone, and everything will be fixed. I know people don’t work like that which is why charities exist, and I know people need to find something fun and ridiculous to do otherwise the selfish gene in them isn’t satiated. Sure we could all give David £4 to makes triumphs against prostate cancer, but where’s the schadenfraude in that? Instead let the fucker grow a moustache and look like he ties women to railway tracks for a whole month and then he can have the money. It just seems unfair. I feel the same when celebrities swim something or climb something or hit something or eat something to raise money when they could just put the money in themselves, ask people nicely and turn down all the publicity that makes them look like a ‘hero’. Well done, you’ve swam through turds for a day, that must be tough. ‘I know those African kids are starving but you’ve been through a lot so we’ll only give them £10 cos we’re thinking of you and how great you are.’ Pukey times.

I know that that’s a bit of a non-arguement as we live in times and in a society where this is what’s expected to get money for charity. Charities have to ask celebrities to do that in order to gain any money to make progress, because some arsehole started it several years back, capitalism and greed took over and now good will has taken a nose dive in place of letting someone act like a tit to make you give up your pennies. Life’s just aren’t important unless David Walliams will save them by riding a bicycle up a gorillas arse for 12 days.

I do respect everyone doing Movember and I know the good intention is there. Prostate cancer is a serious problem and research to prevent and cure it needs all the funding it can get. If you know someone who is doing it, do sponsor them, its a really great cause. Despite my ranting I honestly don’t begrudge anyone doing it and in all honesty while I believe in the reasons I’ve said, it might also be because I’ll look like a twat for 30 days, and I am shallow. Not only that but L probably wouldn’t kiss me for a month and that would be bad.

I will be sponsoring chums who are doing it and I shall be giving the very funny Carl Donnelly and other comics I know some cash ( as soon as I have any and you should too. I’ll just be watching as a spectator, and stroking my beardy chin knowing that I’ll keep doing my bit for charity without sculpting it to look like a curly whirly anytime soon. Excuse me while I hop off my high horse and go back to judging people on the music they like.