Hallo Ian

Ah Halloween, the night where lots of people, completely forgetting the original roots of Samhain celebrating the harvest and ‘dark half’ of the year arriving, all dress up as twats to run around pretending that scary things are fun. They aren’t fun. Sure you go ahead and dress up as zombies, having a laugh and a giggle, but should zombies ever attack you’ll be sorry you mocked them. Oh haha you’re a vampire, brilliant. Let’s all mock creatures whose soul purpose in existence is to suck the blood from people until they either die or undie, going on to suck others blood and starting again. Ghosts aren’t fun, have you seen Paranormal Activity? No, me either. I’m too scared. Werewolves are a pet you can only have once a month which is disappointing to any child and Mummies just confuse emergency services people when you wear the costume then get drunk and injured. Is he already fixed? No one knows.

Then there are those who dress up as superheroes and celebrities. Now, while I think those who costume themselves as denizens of evil are asking for trouble, at least they honour the celebration in order with what it became after many Chinese/Celtic/American whispers. Pretending they have breached the walls between the living and the dead, that are at their thinnest on Hallows Eve. Looking at the ancient Celtic tradition of leaving a place at dinner for the dead even though they probably want brains and you’ve made potatoes. So I can get why you might dress as Michael Myers for such an event. But why oh why would you be Spiderman? Oh hey, I love the idea of dressing as Spiderman. Don’t get me wrong. If I could find a flattering enough suit, I’d dress as Spiderman every single day. But he’s not remotely a ghoul. He’s not even scary or evil. He’s a champion of people. Since when did Halloween become ‘let’s all just dress as whoever we like then get pissed?’ Being dressed as one of Marvel’s top characters isn’t going to scare the shit out of other drunk revellers is it?

Nor does being a celebrity. Yes some of them are terrifying. Yes, if I met Lady Gaga in a dark alley all covered in meat I’d scream and run away. But she’s not undead. The exception to this are all the people who were dressed up as Steve Jobs or Jimmy Saville. You might say that they too aren’t scary, but since Steve has died Blackberry has fucked up so he clearly has otherworldly powers and just imagine all the children Jimmy’s ghost will try to fix it for and it makes you shudder.

All I’m saying is that I’d like Halloween to be proper terrifying again. I want people to dress up in black cloaks with huge scythes, I want people to stop trying to look sexy and just give themselves horrific looking head wound make up, and I want people to dress up as witch finder generals and dunk anyone who’s in a short skirt in water. Ok, so maybe the last bit is a bit harsh, and maybe getting someone wet when they’re only in a short skirt sounds more pervy than I meant it to be. I’m just saying no longer do I want to hide in at Halloween scared of children throwing eggs at my house, and more I want to hide because I don’t want to open the door to the clown from IT and the ghost of a small girl holding a spurtle. You know small girl ghosts are scary. FACT.

Right, I’m not sure where this blog is going but I’ve got opinions and I’ll just shout them around till someone listens. Or tells me to stop. So we’ll just close this blog. Before we do though, here are some small things:

– Yesterday I went to see Dylan Moran then I met Dylan Moran. Hooray! Dylan Moran!

– In live performance, I have no idea what the Rubberbandits are saying. No clue.

– Yesterday I chased Keith Farnan around the stage at Comedy Club 4 Kids hiding behind a giant inflatable Bulmers Pear. We said it was a ‘pear wolf’. I am more proud of this than you can imagine.

– My new favourite phrase what I made is ‘Captain Whatthefuck?’ Keith added to this with ‘Lieutenant Giveashit’. More swears with ranks please.

– I still love Galway.