Tiernan 2.0

I know I’ve written about this subject matter before, but there are obvious signs of ageing and once again I experienced one of these yesterday. Whilst reaching for something with my right arm, I got a sudden serious sharp pain in my head. Yes. Arm movement caused head pain. This hasn’t happened before. I know the two are linked as that’s how bodies work what with the knee bone connected to the thigh bone and whatever else those skeletons sang about. But it doesn’t seem like they should be linked in that way. It makes little to no sense that by moving my arm to get something the back of my head should feel like something is stabbing it. Unless I’m reaching up to an unstable shelf of knives and one falls into the area discussed. As that wasn’t what happened my only assumption is that during the night some elf rewired bits of body and made those wires so taught that every action I do will have some sort of opposite reaction in another bit of my body. I’m terrified I might move my leg and my arm will punch someone. Before long I’ll walk along like a Thunderbird being controlled by a drunk raver.

This is, as I understand, just what happens though. Several months ago (and forgive me if I’ve written about this before), whilst sat in the car, I noticed that the wing mirror on the passenger side was slightly bent in. I waited till a red light and leaned over to push it back out – a feat I have performed many a time before due to the recklessness of London drivers and my incredible dexterity*. Yet this time instead of it all just happening and me driving off, a pain spread through my arm and chest like a lightening bolt of hurt as though I’d been scolded by a deity for my actions – ‘No Tiernan’ said God ‘ you must drive without being able to see what’s coming behind you from the left!’ ‘But why God?’ asked Tiernan. ‘So you shall only see what you shall see in order to be holy.’ ‘ What does that mean God?’ ‘Nothing. I’m just well bored and want to see an awesome crash. I meant holey. I’m frikkin’ God innit?’** – and I had to pull over for ten minutes till I could feel things again.

So what next? Its clear my entire system is in decline. Well I read an article the other day about us being Humans 2.0. See here:

Its Time For Humans 2.0 – The Guardian

I already have a diabetic pump instead of a pancreas, so I’m sure I could get some other bits and bobs to make me awesome. I mean, this whole getting old thing is a bit rubbish. Surely I could just futurise myself so it doesn’t happen? No? I’m tired all the time. Perhaps some sort of capsule release system in my head that gives me caffeine when needed? A steel lower back so it never aches, bionic arms so my head doesn’t hurt when it moves. Metal legs so they don’t just get tired when I walk a long way as well as padded feet so my arches don’t ever ache. One of those waste disposal machine things in my stomach for food, some sort of cannon system for my colon and a series of attachments for my hands so I don’t have to struggle opening jars or anything. In fact, why not just replace me with a robot that actually works? Hmm no maybe too far. My eyes seems to be fine so they can stay. I have 20/20 vision according the opthamologists, which I think means I have the same sight as someone who’s drunk a horrible bottle of blue 20/20.

I actually am fine with this whole getting old lark. I’ll just stop reaching for things or moving heavy stuff, or walking too far, and instead I’ll just stay in bed. Chances are Humans 2.0 will come with even more bugs than the previous version. I’ll wait for Humans 2.1 instead.



* I don’t have incredible dexterity.

** Sorry. I’m not sure what happened here.