Tiernan Douieb, Animal Catcher

Some of you may remember the blog a short while ago where using intuition, my incredible speed, a Godfather DVD case and a whisky glass, that I caught myself a mouse. If you don’t remember it, it’s here:


Well last night I added to this list of animal catching feats. Me and L are staying in a lovely B&B in Halse in the West Country due to a weekend I have of gigs in the area. Much like all classic B&B’s it has a serious of glorious quirks including a toilet door that won’t close, internet that works intermittently (internettantly?), a shower that has the pressure of an asthmatic blowing a dandelion and a whole heap of spiders. Don’t get me wrong, its a very nice, wonderfully quirky place and has truly excellent food and very hospitable and friendly staff. But the spiders aren’t that fun. They have congregated in the room we are staying in and it feels very much as though we have invaded their privacy by staying here. One by one they have been sending scouts around the back wall and towards the bed to investigate the trespassers and see what we’re about.

I’m not a fan of spiders. If they were on facebook I wouldn’t like them that’s all I’m saying. I very much understand the science behind humans preferring creatures that have similar traits to ourselves. For example, we love cats and dogs because they have four limbs, two eyes, two ears etc and we are less preferable of snakes because of their lack of parts, which we find hard to associate with unless we work in an 18th century manufacturing yard with a high degree of carelessness. It is a very narcissistic way in which us humans operate, wanting everything to be a tad in common with us or we’ll be repulsed. So yes, while I know that and realise its prejudice of the highest manner I also still think spiders are fucking disgusting and have far too many legs and often eyes to be reasonable. They leap and peace around as though they are constantly up to something and I don’t care how small they are, I’m convinced they can eat people. Conversely, my favourite superhero is Spiderman despite him being created by and based on my most hated of creatures. Thing is, if he actually displayed spider-like qualities such as eating flies and shooting web out of his bum, I’d feel very differently.

So last night, after a much fun gig at Wyvern Rugby Club, we tucked up into the very very comfy bed in our room and whilst sitting and chatting away a behemoth of arachnids strolled across the bottom of the duvet. Strolled is the correct term. It was in no rush, and wasn’t just traversing the area to get somewhere, more providing a sort of taunting parade to announce its arrival and declare its turf. What to do? L isn’t particularly fond of them and neither am I so it needed to be taken care of. However in a hotel room we had no glasses to trap it under, our teacups were full of liquid and it was too big to simply pick up for fear it may judo throw me. We panicked and I searched around the room for tools to disperse of it, like a really pathetic McGuyver. Quick thinking I took apart one of my diabetic pump pieces, revealing a thin plastic dome that looked barely big enough to contain spidezilla and in a swift throw caught the creature perfectly underneath it, slid the inn’s welcome card under that and threw the demon hell beast out of our second story window, watching it plummet to the ground. L applauded me, we tucked back up and no further spider visits occurred. I am king of the mini-beasts.

So that’s one mouse in a whisky glass and one spider in a small diabetic pump case. Where will this lead? Is there any animal I can’t find a suitable container for to trap it under? Got a squirrel problem? I’ll get it in a tupperware box. There’s a rabid dog in town? I’ll throw a laundry basket on top its foaming angry barking self. ‘Help we’re being chased by an alligator!’ ‘Don’t worry I’ll lob this upturned canoe on it to save you.’ Rouge elephant destroying a small midlands town? I’ll airlift a frikkin’ warehouse onto it. Just sayin’, if this comedy malarky ever dies off I’ve got a new avenue I know I can go down.


Lastly, it would have been Jim Henson’s birthday today. He’d have been 75 if a doctor hadn’t ruined not only his life, but many many children and adults who adored and loved all of his work. I still think its such a tragedy he went. Only the other night me and L were watching The Muppets on DVD and giggling at its inventiveness and sheer silliness. A true visionary and amazing man. Now all have a cry at this and remember what a legend he was: