Living In A Shell

When there is a snail comfortably living under your sofa, I think its an indication that you need to clean the flat. It looked throughly upset to be disturbed, retreating into its shell with a look that almost conveyed dismay at the noise the hoover was causing and the upset and waking him up from his comfy slumber. I have no idea how long he’d been there but I unceremoniously lobbed him out into our garden with a lovely underhand bowl. We aren’t allowed sub letters in the flat. So that’s that. Now, instead of doing many of the trazillion things I should be doing I am making sure its a home for me and Nat again and not for slimy uninvited guests. There really are a lot of things I should be doing. Post-Edinburgh several things have popped up and all of them require the most boring of admin to get rolling. So knowing how important all these things are to further my career, I’ve spent time in the sunshine, listened to music I haven’t heard in ages and evicted a snail. I’m fully aware this is not helpful to anyone. Not least the snail. Who, to be fair, at least always has a home wherever he’s thrown, so it’s not too bad.


One thing I really should be doing is paying attention to the political situation of the UK. This is mostly because after writing an Edinburgh show about politics I have foolishly decided I should keep writing material on such a subject, happily jumping on board my high Shetland pony to spout what I think with jokes in it. Sadly I haven’t got much thought about anything at the moment. Hearing the unions are planning a national strike only confuses me as to my opinions. On the one hand – to be fair, the bigger hand – I am extremely pleased they are taking such action. Its really important that everyone sticks together and challenges all the proposed changes not only to pensions but also jobs and wages. This week we’ve seen both a rise in unemployment horribly juxtaposed alongside a banking reform that while it may be better for the economy is only going to affect personal customers charges most and leave the banks still gaining profit. So anyone that is willing to protest about that is a champion in my book. And my book is brilliant and only contains worthy champions. Like Danny. On the other hand, I know they will interrupt many people’s days, several things won’t work and I’m pretty sure that of all the days that I’m going to accidentally set myself on fire, it’ll be the day the Fire Brigade strike. Then as they put out my burning flesh and cradle me into an ambulance, I’m going to call my saviours ‘scabs’ and as a consequence be dropped from the ladder. Ok, so really, I’m just backing the strike, and I think, as I’ve said in my Edinburgh show, if you go on strike then you care about your job and you want to afford to be able to do it.


But beyond the strikes, I’ve really lost grasp of what’s going on. To be honest, it seems like a constant repetition of what’s gone before. More dismay about the causes for the riots, more upset about hacking to the extent the Met police have now hired a Liverpudlian Stazi leader to take over, and all the constituency boundaries are changing again despite only changing recently and once again probably benefitting someone or other in some way or other that I won’t understand. So that’s why I’m spending time creating snail mail instead. It is currently too dull to care about. This is terrible trap I have been in before and somehow must escape otherwise I’ll abandon all hope of continuing to be a political comedian and return to spouting the nuances of more mundane life. Or something. Hopefully the snail won’t move back in, Ken Clarke will say something racist or sexist and a former Nazi Youth officer will open a free school and we can be back on a roll anytime soon…