Going Nowhere

I promised an uber blog today. This was hugely stupid of me as I hadn’t predicted that my night last night would occur in the fashion it did and that today would be covered with a booze mist leaving me so steaming drunk that I could single handedly have walked around the North this morning melting all the snow with my breath. I have been mostly spending today lying in bed following the tweeting from @UCLOccupation watching in full respect of the students actually taking action not only for their future but for the futures of prospective university students. It has made me feel a tad awful that while they are doing brilliant things I have been trying to find ways to lie down that don’t make me sick. It feels a little as though in comparison, I am really not helping the world in any way. And I’m not. I have mostly been detrimental to the Earth’s motions since last night when I failed to get myself and 3 other acts to a lovely gig in Tenbury Wells thanks to horrendous traffic and instead had to let 150 get turned away as we sat staring at the lights of other frustrated trapped cars on the North Circular. It took nearly 3 hours to go about 3 miles. I was almost certain there were snails ding a leisurely stroll past us and giggling. If snails can giggle. Its something I’ve never contemplated before, but I would assume with their lack of mouth, they don’t. Which must make the life of a snail pretty miserable. Apart from moving house, which they are experts at.

There is something so horrible about not being able to do a single thing to make the situation any better. Long time blogees may remember the only other time this has ever happened to me: CARDIFFICULTY. I had horrific flashbacks of that trip as we attempted and failed to get to the show on time last night. We all sat in my car watching the predicted time on the sat nav tick by until we were due to be well over an hour late. Banter died off about two hours in when we realised we could potentially be stuck on the North Circular for the rest of our lives, and there was only a tiny moment of respite when Simon Mayo read out a text Benny Boot had sent him on drivetime radio 2 saying that despite it being all comics in a car, none of us were being funny. Eventually at 7ish we received a call saying to just turn around and get home. ‘Celebration’ conveniently played on the radio and it took less than a quarter of the time to go back the way we’d just been on the other side of the road. Less an attempt to get to a gig and more a comedians gathering in a claustrophobic venue. It was as though the A406 had decided it would use the current police kettling methods to stop us from getting anywhere. Rubbish. Sorry Tenbury Wellians. We did try.

So yes, then, to cut a long story incredibly short, I then decided to appease the situation by trying to drink all the booze. Apparently there is still some left but it can’t be much. And instead of trying to gain back that lost time on the road by being hugely pro-active, I have done nothing I planned to do today and instead have been hugely useless. Two wrongs very much do not make a right. Unless is two wrong turns which could result in a right turn as part of that. I’m not helping anyone with this am I? I pity the crowd at tonight’s gig. They may well wish I’d got stuck in traffic on the way there too.

Writing is difficult today. I will attempt a proper blog tomorrow. Promise. I can’t help but feel I’ve gone down the Nick Clegg route of promises with my blog lately, but I really will try. In the meantime, the excellent @BECKintl has done a sketch based on a tweet I did a few days ago: