Muffin of Deathly Dry

So far Starbucks in Westfield is doing many right things. Firstly, they are playing The Shins. Well done them. Secondly, because its in Westfield, they may have tried to lure me to pay for BT Openzone first, but being a smartypants (yes I am, and I don’t mean I have underwear made of sweets), I knew to look for the free Westfield wifi which I am now hogging like a net pig. I don’t know what a net pig is, but were there such a thing, I would be embracing its oinky interweb characteristics right now. Hmm, worried that actually I sound more like a web boar. Boom. I also have a skinny muffin, which feels like the most pointless invention of all time. I can’t imagine there is much in this muffin that makes it remotely different from its ‘fat’ friends, but by sucking out whatever lard arse element was previously there, it has just become slightly more dry and chewy than it should be. My only understanding as to how it may make you lose weight is because you get so cotton mouthed you only make it halfway through the snack before having to leave it be in search of thirst parchment. Still I feel its deserved as its only 11.24am (yeah I is being all precise and shizzle) and I’ve already had to spend 15 minutes of my morning performing stand-up to three people and a camera. This is not stand-ups ideal audience. Sure back in the day of open mic, I did do the odd gig to 2-3 people but it wasn’t fun. In fact it was just like I was the most irritating in a group of friends with my Showy McShowerson attitude and overly forced gags. In fact, it was just like when I am in my group of friends. Sigh.

The three people were lovely, but not only did I race through it due to the swiftness of their laughs (three people laughing will never resonate around a room for more than a second or two. Unless one has a terrible laugh, which is all honestly is worse. If you laugh like a dick, please pursue sadness for my sake. I know, a comic that doesn’t want laughs. Odd. But I want reasonable laughs, not the sort that sounds like a donkey being punched and makes everyone else never want to laugh again) but also it was kids material and they were all adults. I was further hindered by the lack of coffee that now resides in the BBC TVC foyer. There is usually a much needed little coffee cart sitting at reception, and as, without pass or someone to escort you through security, there is nowhere else to get such things in the building, its the only was any morning meetings are dealt with coherently. Last week when I turned up, it was closed. Today it was still closed. In its place is a picture of Wallace and Gromit looking unfeasibly happy with themselves. I might like Wallace and Gromit, but their inane plasticine smiles will not keep me awake.

Couple of things for you to think about, mainly because I need to leave Westfield in 10 mins and don’t want to pay for wi-fi anywhere else. Call me a stinge if you like. I won’t hear you. You’d just be calling your computer a stinge and people will think you’re a stupid. Yeah, I called you a stupid. You heard it:

– Go see Despicable Me. Its quite simply the funniest film I’ve seen in ages.

– What does Jason Vorhees do on the other 364 days of the year? Or less if there are more than one Friday 13ths in that annum.

– Watching The Final Destination last night, I felt quite amazed that death has to slot people in on appointment times. In my head, I couldn’t work out why he couldn’t kill everyone seconds after they should have been killed, but it was decided its because he/she/it had to go and deal with other people. I wonder if people who are really old, like Cliff Richard, are just unable to get an appointment because they keep calling out of hours?

– It was decided yesterday that the Human Centipede was based on the conga, just fucked up.

– Paul B used the phrase ‘get off your bicycle and talk to the postman’. I think this should be used in common parlance all the time.

Ok, so what have we learnt from today’s blog people? Very little. True. Well I suggest you get your fulfillment of edutainment elsewhere then as I have eaten the whole muffin and subsequently need to find water in the next 10 mins or turn to dust.