Flight Attend-Ants


Yesterday was supposedly that day where all the flying ants appear. I should probably research it and find out why that it, but I like to think shedloads of ants wake up with wings, get all happy and over excited and race around like the red antrrows (see what I did?) then wake up the next day, try and jump off a building and die. I like to assume its nature’s cruel trick. Or God’s if you believe in that. Here you go ants, you with your hard lives of carrying stuff and constantly going back and forth with bits of leaf, have some wings and enjoy life. Only for 24 hours though. Psyche! Yes I said psyche. Sorry. Imagine if people got wings for a day? It’d be mayhem. I’d totally do loads of cool wing stuff like fly and that. And piss on a bird from above as some sort of revenge. And I’d look at things from high up and pretend I was googlemaps.

Anyway, I only saw three ants with wings and none of them were flying. I think they send all their failures who don’t make the flight squadron to Finsbury Park. Or maybe they were just flight attend-ants. Arf. Sorry.


I watched Toy Story 3 with my friend Ali yesterday. I won’t put any spoilers, but its bloody brilliant. Especially the hedgehog who made me laugh out loud an awful lot. Oh and I didn’t cry. I was a proper man. A proper man that really nearly cried but held it in. If I wasn’t wearing 3D specs people may have noticed some slightly damp eyes. I wonder if thats what the specs were actually for as the film would be just as good in 2D, but you wouldn’t be able to hide the man-crying. I think, my friends, I have uncovered a ruse.


I am trying to choose intro and outro music for my Edinburgh show and its harder than I thought. I’ve got some tracks but can’t seem to find the exact thing to walk in on and walk out to. My main choice is Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros as an opener but I worry about this for many reasons. Reason 1: I’ve been listening to loads of Sigur Ros and enjoying it, but after a month of hearing that track everyday I may not like them any more. Reason 2: Its a pretty dramatic piece of music that’s been used for Planet Earth and loads of other things. I’m not sure I’ll live up to that as I walk on. People may leave having enjoyed the show but commenting on how the intro music was too self-aggrandising and at no point did I replicate the feelings gained by watching a polar bear and her new cub sliding down an iceberg. Reason 3: Over the last year, Iceland’s had some pretty bad luck. I worry its music will not bode well for my show and halfway through the run a volcano will erupt underneath the building. Or I’ll become bankrupt. Or both. Actually the latter’s far more likely.

The only way I will use that track is if I come on straight after it and criticise it for all of those reasons. I may well do that.


I’m doing a preview tonight and Stewart Lee is on after me. I am nothing if not a tad scared and nervous.


Yesterday I bumped into two different Toms I know. Tom Deacon and Tom Mison. They were both at different stages of my walk from Islington to Old Rope in central London. What are the chances of not only bumping into two people you know, but also both of them being called Tom? Quite low I would presume. I now call yesterday the ‘Day of Tomfoolery’.


If you are a Londoner, then I am doing my final Edinburgh preview the night before I head to Scotchland at the Compass where we have Fat Tuesday. Tom Craine is also doing his final preview there too. Please come along. Relevant links and that are on my fancy new Tumblr feed at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk that I will keep going on and on about till I get bored of it.