Short Stories

Its slightly cooler weather wise today and I’m bloomin’ thankful for it. I probably mention the weather far too often in this blog, general chat and wherever I can. Its because its a genuine indicator of how I will deal with the rest of the day. Yesterday I woke up, it was stupid hot, I did very little till the evening. I was like one of the trolls in a Pratchett novel. When its hot I just sort of fail to operate. Saying that, when its cold, I sort of fail to operate too. Perhaps for the sake of my workload I should live in an entirely temperate incubator until its all done. Or in a big zorb like bubble with constant air con pumped in. That’d be great except when uphill. And terrifying downhill. Maybe I should just deal with the weather a bit better. Its not like I haven’t dealt with it for the last 29 years of my life. Well actually I haven’t. I moan about it on a daily basis wherever I am. Maybe I should live in space? They don’t have weather there do they? Although they do get asteroid showers and that’s probably worse than light showers. Especially as an umbrella wouldn’t be very helpful when pelted with large space rocks. Saying that, light showers don’t shower you in light. So at least asteroid ones don’t lie. Either way if I get nothing done in the next few months, I won’t blame it on myself. I’ll blame it on the weatherman.

Today is all about getting my taxes done, so thank god the grey skies have appeared. There is nothing worse than sifting through receipts while you glare through the window at all the people, receipt free, frolicking in the sunshine. Frolicking is probably the wrong word for where I live. Some people just walked as per usual only more sweaty and irritated. Some bowl like gangstas and shizzle. Some walk like the sun is giving them actual physical weight on their back. They are the ones who in their sweaty suits peer in through my window at me in shorts, doing receipts with the fan on and hate me. Except what they don’t know is that having the fan on only makes looking at receipts that much harder, as they get blown all over the place like a tiny whirlwind of transaction history. And I have rubbish shorts too. I realised this only yesterday, under the assumption I had more than one pair of decent shorts. Not only do I have only one pair, but they are also shit. Admittedly, shorts for men are often a tricky one. They either make you look like someone’s snuck up behind you and cut the bottom off your trousers, or that you are about to run a marathon, with the truth being more that you look like a dad who’s revealing too much when sitting down.

I aimed to rectify this before my gig last night and popped into everyone’s favourite home of bland popular culture clothes, Topman. I haven’t been in here for a while, ever since it appeared that skinny jeans were the new fashion, I’ve stayed away until the trend returns to clothing that doesn’t look like its the fabric equivalent of a boa constrictor and I am its prey. Sadly, it appears that not much has changed. Everywhere I looked there was what appeared to be women’s clothing with its tightly fitting and revealing shapes. Then I realised Topman was upstairs. Idiot. Upstairs though, was a similar thing. I can’t wait for the 90s to be back in fashion. No I don’t want sunglasses with big green rims that make me look like a fly, nor do I want the ones that make me look like I should have a flock of seagulls haircut and that I dream of being an angry American cop. Nor do I want to be Kanye West. When I finally found the shorts after battling through the sort of crowds that are all style but absolutely no content, I was depressed to know that they cost the same as the jeans. How insane is that? They should at least be a third less on account of the lack of material. I fully believe this is how clothing should be. Women’s bikinis should only cost them £2 as there is nothing there. This may also encourage them to buy and wear them more. Tee hee. So ultimately I didn’t get any and instead rocked around in my jeans becoming so hot I was tempting to bottle it up and open my own sweatshop.

No idea what I’m on about today. Lets endeth with some boh-ring but useful self promo. Firstly my webpage has a new front page. Have a look:

I’m always adding stuff to it anyway, so you should take a look around for new things.

Secondly, people’s keep asking me when my previews are. So here you go:

July 4th – Stoke Newington Festival – Jokes Newington
July 8th – East Meets Jest, The Railway Tavern, Clapham High Street
July 10th – Cambridge Comedy Festival
July 12th – Outside The Box, Kingston
July 16th – Chuckles at the Regal, Tenbury Wells
July 17th – Arc Theatre, Caterham
July 18th – Somewhere in Cardiff
July 20th – Fat Tuesday with Stewart Lee – sold out, returns only

I expect to see you all at all of them. Back to taxes and dreaming of a refreshing asteroid shower.