Pay Peanuts, Get Tiernans

Only got ten mins to hack out this blog today due to very bad time keeping. I swear time keeping is pretty heard even though being a time keeper must be easier than being a zoo keeper. I mean they have to keep animals and know what the time is, so it would appear to be doubly hard. But they don’t have to keep time which is clearly the hardest bit. My watch contains some of it, but it tends to escape a lot. Much like today where suddenly I only have 10 mins to write this, then run off and do some run through of some show that I won’t get and probably don’t want to get, and won’t get paid for either way. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Sadly, if you pay nothing, you seem to get me. I’m not really sure how this works, especially as I really like peanuts. I’m also fairly sure zoo keepers don’t pay peanuts for their monkeys. I’ve seen them feed the monkeys, and mostly they get fruit. But also at no point do the monkeys appear to check their wage slips and say ‘hang on, fruit wasn’t in the contract, I’m outta here’ before commuting home.

So I’ll try and summarise the important things I need to discuss: sunshine, beaches, June to August. Haha I summer-ised it! Sigh. Really though, I am void of things to chat about anyway as yesterday was just mostly fun with a trip to the pub with two of my very old friends Mat and Wilz. Sadly, as they are the same age as me, this also makes me very old and we sat, drank, discussed various juvenile conversations we remember having, which was easy as most of them were only recent, and generally caught up. We have all done fairly different things with our lives since school: me with the stand-up, Mat does acting and works in something clever to do with sound technology, and Wilz who has just returned from living in Israel for a while, before he heads of to Uganda in August. Despite this, whenever we meet, which is more and more rare these days, we all are still fully able to get along purely by insulting each other endlessly till we all leave. This appears to have been tradition for many years now with the buck passing between each others appearances and comments until any possible ego has been well and truly stomped on, laughter ensues, job is done. Combine that with drinking in a pub that has increased its upstairs decking to a level where it appears to be the best boozy treehouse ever, and talking with some random blokes about how they play poker with Graham Linehan and gave me free tequila, and its hard to think of the evening as anything other than a success.

I wish I could relay some of the ‘hilarious’ banter we had but ultimately I was a tad drunk and it would probably not be all that funny to you. Especially as you have no sense of humour. SLAM! Joke. So sadly this blog just becomes one of those run of the mill ‘and then I did this and then this happened and that was my summer holidays’ blogs which I mostly despise. And I didn’t even mention where my mum and dad took me, or getting an ice cream or going to the seaside. Or draw anything in crayon. Incidentally, I really hope one day I see a DJ gig where the DJ claims to have stacks of wax, and he just has a lot of crayons. Or a bad ear infection. Ahem, sorry. I’m sure tomorrow, after today’s run through will be filled with cynicism again and we can all be relieved. Till then, rest assured that yesterday was just pretty good. In fact adding to all that that my podcast was mentioned on Twitter by lots of lovely people like Chris Addison, Al Murray, Mark Thomas and Andy Nyman and is now number 11 in the charts, you can be assured that today is more than likely to go downhill from there.

Must run to get paid nothing while monkeys with peanuts tell me what to do. All the time has gone again which means I’ll probably get fired pretty soon.