Hung Over

Wow, the UK is in a proper mess today. People wanted change and then voted as such and now seem all a bit worried about the fact that no one has really won anything and no one really knows what’s going on. It feels a bit like when Layla decides she wants to move all the furniture around and subsequently gets rid of a few chairs, only for the next day us both to realise we’d like it all back the way we wanted and we miss the chairs. We didn’t necessarily love the chairs in the first place, and were they to return we probably wouldn’t be all that happy, but now no one has enough seats it all feels a bit wrong. I’m not sure if that analogy works, but I felt pleased with the seats bit at the end and frankly, I don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. I watched Jeremy Vine prance about a political version of the 80’s paddle computer game. Sadly the little machine that fired balls at the bricks never appeared. I wondered why on earth they couldn’t just show us a pie chart instead of virtually creating Downing Street using graphics that looked like they’d been stolen from CiTV’s Knightmare. It definitely included a lot of riddles.

As far as I understand, the Tories, sadly, got more votes than Blair did in 2005, but still haven’t managed to get a majority, Labour have been abandoned slightly but still not done as badly as the Murdoch papers hoped for, and Clegg….well Clegg learned that a smile on telly isn’t really all that good. Really we should have known this. Lots of people smile on telly and say nice things to people, but it doesn’t mean we’d vote for them. Dale Winton would never get a seat, neither would any of the T4 presenters or Holly Willoughby. If they did, I fear the country would be in even more of a mess than it is now. However, I think we’d probably all feel unable to not be happy about things due to the seamless links and low cut dresses. But Clegg must feel properly gutted. It’s a bit like the public played a huge prank on him, like they did with Jedward. ‘Yeah yeah of course we like you’ they said, while behind closed doors they were sniggering about how he’d never be in the top 3 finalists and they definitely wouldn’t buy his single at Christmas.

Now, despite him only just getting enough seats for a small bendy bus to nowhere, he still seems to have the power, and he’s speaking to the Tories first. This was sort of to be expected but I think everyone that did vote for Clegg assumed he’d ally with Labour. Now suddenly he gets to wreak revenge by being the most boring double agent alive. Its what would happen if 24 was written by the My Family team. Ultimately, someone will have to ally with someone, loads of investors will not trust the UK whatsoever, the country will crumble, people will riot then kill each other and then Tesco’s will claim king status and rule the land. Or not. I honestly haven’t got a clue and I think I will try and ignore it for a few days like the Queen is doing. She hasn’t been fussed to return to the palace from her hols yet, so why should we all care? The MPs should sweat it out a while, realising that even the most popular ones are still only favourites of the least popular candidates ever. Sure, as I said above the Conservatives got more votes than ever before, but this is in respect of the fact that more people voted than expected. Therefore 53% still didn’t want the Tories in. Loads also didn’t want Labour in, the Lib Dems in, or pretty much anyone else in. I’m tempted to think that if they haven’t sorted it all out by Monday we should declare parliament dead and start from scratch. It’d be great. Just get three brand new parties with cool, more modern names like The Hella Cool Party, The Shit Yeahs, and the LIb Dizzles. Second thoughts, I can’t imagine anyone would vote for any of them. Still, I guess that’s similar to the current situation isn’t it? Maybe we should just get the T4 presenters in after all.

There was also the issue of some people deciding to take tactical voting too far and pouncing on the polling stations in the dead of night, only to be told they couldn’t vote. Ok, not the dead of night, but before closing time. Yes, it is their right to vote, but if they were worried about getting there in time, they could have postal voted. Or voted by proxy. Or got up earlier, left work earlier, or got in later or any other solution. The reason the polling stations have opening times are so that people go in those opening times, and that voting isn’t a continuous process that goes on forever and ever. Even though it feels like sometimes, it is. I hugely regret staying up till 3.30am last night just waiting for people to count quicker. Its like some of them don’t know how to count with all ten fingers. Saying that, it was very worth it for all the Twittering. I like the fact that even if the real world goes wrong, then the virtual world shall sort of stick together. Perhaps Vine’s virtual parliament can be in charge and we can just fire lasers at the ones we don’t like?

Ultimately, I don’t know or understand anything. I feel like whatever happens, the current state will only last for so long before we all have to vote again and everyone screws everything up again leaving the UK in a constant state of limbo until you all decided I should just be crowned King and I will sit on top of Big Ben waving a stick at all those who pass.

Oh and I understand if you live abroad, and read this blog, its probably all been a bit dull for you these last few days. Sorry about that. All I will say is if you’re planning to come on holiday, then do it soon as your currency will be so much better than ours. And chances are, with all the confusion, you won’t even need a passport to arrive.

In other news:

– Final show in Brighton tonight. Last night’s was fun, but it still needs work. I’ve watched the election so haven’t done any work. Still, its only a fiver. Come and help me reiterate how unfinished it all is. Tickets are here:

– I bit my own lip two days ago and its gone weird. I don’t understand how anyone can self harm when it just means drinking coca cola hurts.