Final Debate: My Review / Tiernan Talks Back

This blog shall be in two sections. Firstly, my official clever, well informed and intelligent review of the political debate last night. Then, because several of you have asked for it, the brief return of Tiernan Talks Back. Oh yes. So here we go:

The Final Debate: My Review by Tiernan Douieb aged 29 and 3 months, 21 days and some hours and minutes

I only listened to the first 10 minutes of the final television of the political debate last night and within that 10 minutes, what I understood was it was generally Cameron going on and on about how Brown has fucked everything up. Then you had Brown telling everyone that Cameron would fuck everything up. Whilst inbetween Nick Clegg must have felt a bit like a child who stumbles into the kitchen to find his parents having the sort of argument that may lead to divorce. He kept sort of popping up and saying ‘Hello, why can’t we all just chat about this a bit?’ It was admirable until he realised it didn’t work and then changed format to the pointy kid at the playground while two others are fighting who just says ‘well you’re both dicks’ a lot. This was then retaliated by Brown and Cameron ganging up together to patronise little Clegg about how shit his policies really are. It was much like an episode of Grange Hill I felt, only with the ‘just say no’ message being applied to the other parties.

Basically what I got from it really, is that I still don’t have a clue who I’d like to run the country. According to polls that were made and analysed by papers owned by Tory supporters, Cameron won the debate last night. I’m not sure how he did this, as once again no points appeared to have been allocated by anyone and what he kept saying was that the working people would generally be punished for living if his government gets in via extending the retirement age, and freezing public sector pay. I mean, he didn’t say it like that. He used clever explanations like saying that ‘Labour’s leaflets clearly cost £6 bazillion to make so we should probably stop leaflets. No more leaflets anyone. Ever. If you have a leaflet you’re breaking Britain. Oh and by the way, millionaires, feel free to keep even more of your dosh.’ I really really hope no one votes for him ever.

Brown’s mistake was not coming straight out and saying ‘I’m the PM. I can say what I frikkin’ like. You’re all bigots. And idiots. And you there with the glasses, you’re a dickhead and I hate you.’ Then run around high fiving everyone. I mean, sure, most of the country would hate him for such things, but I think it’d be ace. I bet if Obama called someone a ‘bigot’ or some other slur everyone would spend days telling the ‘bigot’ that they totally got served. If I ran the country I would so use some of my power to call people whatever I liked and enjoy it. This is probably why I am not running the country. Sadly instead Gordon ‘Eeyore’ Brown just appeared a bit like a sad senile old lady who just kept repeating the same thing over and over again ‘we are the only party that can deal with economic recovery.’ They possibly are, but unfortunately Brown isn’t shiny like Clegg or Cameron and looks like he’s anti-botox causing an inability to smile, so therefore, televised debates really aren’t in his favour.

And Clegg. Well everyone likes smiley, happy Clegg. But while he is smiley and happy, can he actually do the big job? After the ten minutes I heard and the various radio shows and talks afterwards, there does seem to be an air of excited kid about LIb Dems policies. ‘Oooh and then we can get rid of that and do that and then we’ll go there and change this,’ none of it having all that much explanation as to how it will work. Last night on BBC West Midlands ( I only listen to the coolest stations) on the way back from Wolverhampton, the Solihull Lib Dem MP was talking about how they will just scrap University Tuition fees. Brilliant. I’m all for that. Then the presenter, and the Labour, Tory and other guests all questioned where the universities would get funding from otherwise with the country in such a deficit and unable to help. And she kind of just mumbled a bit and self faded out. I also use that technique of getting out of difficult arguments. But again, I am not aiming to run the country. Actually, I am, but realistically I have as much hope of getting anywhere near the seat as anyone from UKIP. Ha.

That was my review. It probably hasn’t helped a bit and wasn’t particularly insightful but there you go. I’ve really enjoyed the televised debates and I hope they continue to happen. I was terrified at first it would be like Parliament TV which is as exciting as watching images of dead goldfish floating on top of a stagnant tank. Several static images of sleeping old upper class men is not very exciting at all. But this has been good. It means people have gained a much bigger interest in this election than they have in a while and it feels like more people than ever are actually paying attention to how the country should be run, which is brilliant. I’ll be honest, it hasn’t really changed my decision as I’ve already decided who I’m voting for but its based on the individual campaigner, not his party. My local MP has always been awesome and I’d quite like him, his anti-war, left wing and general good views to stay, so that sorts that out then.

Now for Tiernan Talks Back: The Return. Going backwards starting with yesterday:

Yesterday’s blog Full Mooning prompted several responses from Anonymous. Anonymous tends to post a lot, and I’m pleased that he, she or whoever is such a regular poster.

Firstly they say ‘Why didn’t security toss the wankers (wankettes?) out on their arses?’ Followed by a second post, who I will pretend is the same person, saying ‘ That’s such a shame. I don’t understand why people feel this sense of entitlement towards celebrities. They are also human beings: you don’t own them, as much as you might objectify them. Treat them with respect.’.

Well Anon, er the second bit isn’t really a question. So, er, yeah. I agree with you. The first bit though, I should point out that the audience were not really wankers or wankettes as such. Just people who hadn’t been to comedy before, probably ever. Or a show of any sort for that matter. They weren’t malicious, but at the same time, weren’t particularly paying attention to anything ever. I suppose they were wankers. As to why security didn’t chuck them out? Well, it was a very tiny gig and as such, security was non-existent. The gigs we do can range from an audience of 20 to 1000 and even with the larger numbers, gigs sometimes stupidly don’t provide security. Like the gig I did last October in a theatre where a man got on stage and tried to punch my face. No security meant I was fending for my tiny self. Its a bit ridiculous, but it basically comes down to managers being very stingy with cash and not wanting to spend it on the protection of innocents. I make it sound like they might hire Robocop.

Also on that blog HowlieT says: ‘My mum was a psychiatric nurse and always used to claim that the patients were more mental on a fullmoon. So it must be true.’

Again, can’t really reply to that. All I will say is ‘Ha! Take that Nick Doody!’

And Jonathan Tisdall says ‘I can’t help feeling that I started this’. To which TTB says ‘yeah you did. So did the moon. Stupid moon.’

Going back a bit to ‘This Is The News’ from April 26th –

Kin Bang says, on the second debate: ‘ I thought they (the MP’s) looked a lot dapper this time round.’

I’m assuming Kin, you missed an ‘i’ out in that word.

Cantus says: ‘ I believe the case is more that Edgar Wright is a poor Tiernan Douieb impersonator struggling to make ends meet by throwing to together the odd blockbuster movie with his mates. I tend to think you sound quite a lot more like a chap I heard on Talksport Radio a few months ago. The host kept referring to him as Teenan Doobebubble so I know you’re a different person.’

Let us find this Teenan Doobebubble and destroy him. Along with Tiernan Dweeb fellow and Timan Doobie who keep stealing all my gigs.

That’s all for Tiernan Talks Back this week. Mostly because I can’t be arsed to write anymore today. Any questions?