Elective Thinking

So an election has been announced on the day that we had all pretty much been told an election would happen. Not much of a surprise really. I don’t really understand what it means that the Queen has to dissolve Parliament. I’d have thought it was a pretty insoluble building. Otherwise you’d have thought that with the amount of rainfall in the UK, Parliament would have dissolved ages ago. Then again, I guess she is the Queen and she’s probably got some secret powers. Now all the news seems to be doing is following, by helicopter, Gordon Brown’s car around and he goes on his campaign trail. It is, by far the most boring car chase I’ve ever seen. At least get some police to start firing at him or spies on bikes to try and run him down just so it can speed up and get fun. I’ll be honest, if he survived getting rammed by a 4 x 4 with spikes on its wheels then I would vote for him no matter what he said.

So now of course is when the ‘fun’ bit starts where they just slag each other off and we decide to vote for whoever has dished out the best insults and pretended they are not going to privatise Britain anymore or make us anymore broke, even though the first thing they do when the votes are counted is sell of UK air to France and buy it back at 30p more per cubic meter before demanding extra taxes so they can bathe in £50 notes. Its all a bit dull and so far, whilst I haven’t been paying utmost attention at any of it, I really don’t have a clue who to vote for. I mean, there is no way I’m voting for Tory. Simple as. Even if they were fronted by Kermit the Frog, I was brought up in the 80s by liberal parents and knowing what Thatcher did in her power means I will never trust anything they do again. Admittedly, if Kermit was their leader, I would think about it slightly more than I should, but also really, he should be leader of the Green Party. Not that he’d find it easy. Even if I wasn’t an 80’s child I don’t think I could trust Cameron. So many things about him ring of ‘creep’. His recent announcement that his pregnant wife is his ‘secret weapon’ really bothered me, but I can only assume its because he’s been rejected sexually so many times before that he thinks its a triumph that others may appreciate that she actually let him anywhere near her to be impregnated.

But would I vote Labour? Tough choice. They haven’t really been amazing ever since we voted them in in 1997 when under the pseudonym of ‘New Labour’ they slowly revealed they were just different coloured Tories and since have gone to war despite what the people or UN wanted, slowly destroyed the 10p tax bracket until the poor/rich divide became so large they may as well create segregated areas for anyone earning under £50k where we can be viewed on with a spyglass by the aristocrats and every now and then Attenborough does a documentary on us. Offshore tax dodging got much worse under Labour reign and among many other of Brown’s decisions, all helped to cause the credit crunch. Oh and he’s got a stupid yawny twitch, and a funny eye.

So that leaves the Lib Dems which we all know is pointless voting for as they just won’t get in. That mentality of course means they never will get in because we assume they won’t, and thus a vicious circle is created where ultimately Nick Clegg wakes up every morning not even bothering to finish his manifesto as he knows it just won’t happen. For the same reasons its barely worth voting for anyone else, but if we don’t vote at all the BNP get in. I hate politics. It ultimately appears that there is very little we can do. Well if you live in Bristol West, you could vote for this chap:


Sadly I don’t. But I totally would if I did. Until then I will spend every day considering escaping to an island where I will find the biggest rock and therefore be king. Stupid government.