Newbies, Oldbies and Bees (No Bees)

Happy the Day Where Jesus’s Life Insurance Providers Sue Him For Fraud! A brief blog for Easter Montag today as I’m about to go an eat lunch at my parents. Despite the fact that I am still pretty full from yesterday’s antics at Layla’s family’s do, I am fully prepared to refuel again today at my parent’s house. Essentially what I am doing is making a double pit stop in order to fill up for the next week or so. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to eat the rest of this week but much like a camel will store water so water is then not necessarily needed for a few days, I will do the same with my stomach and food. If I don’t want to eat tomorrow or Wednesday then I can just eat into my reserves. Trust me, there are more reserves than football reserve match going to see a performance of Les Mis featuring only the reserve actors.

Unfortunately immediately after today’s lunch I have to do an afternoon gig. A gig you say? In the afternoon you say? On a Bank Holiday? Well yes. All of those, as insane as it seems. I agreed to host a heat of the Amused Moose New Act competition this afternoon, as it means I get a small glimpse at some of the newbies on the circuit as they belt out 3 minutes of material in order to win something or other and then gain rewards such as ahem ahem and blah blah blah. Also there are so many acts my MCing is limited to a few gags and reading out names as though I were a teacher doing the register, if all the children didn’t have to say ‘Yes Sir’ and would instead get applauded and then do a short set. In fact, it occurs to me that school kids would be much better behaved if that was the case. If everyday they needed a new 3 minute set for registration, the fear would mean many of them would be too scared to muck about. Hey Ed Ballbags, listen to my plans!

It should be much fun though. I rarely get to see new acts anymore as I’m now amongst the ranks of bitter old acts instead where we just sit around complaining about the fact that no people are in the crowd or that people are in the crowd but are clearly dicks or that nice people are in the crowd but it’ll probably go wrong, or that nice people are in the crowd, its a nice gig but I can’t believe I had to pay for my own drink. Whereas hopefully today I’ll get a glimpse at all these new enthusiastic acts who are happy to be onstage being exploited mercilessly for the next few years of their lives. Then I’ll realise some of them are really good, fear for my own job and get all angry again. Should be much fun.

Small other note. Its Fat Tuesday tomorrow. Our headliner is Sarah Kendall who I really couldn’t recommend enough. She’s really really brilliant. All our other acts are too, but I sense a reluctance from our usual punters as its the Tuesday after the Bank Holiday weekend. Well I say to all youse, that actually, its the best day to go out as if you drink enough you’ll pass out and wake up on the weekend again. No? No. Ok. Well it will be very good. Trust me, I’m not a doctor. And in the same way you wouldn’t trust my opinion on a medical condition, you wouldn’t trust a doctor’s opinion on a stand-up night (unless its Paul Sinha or Harry Hill) so therefore its good I’m not.

Tickets are still on sale here:


And lastly but not leastly, I was the guest last week on Tom Craine’s BBC Bristol radio show. Tom was excellent as per usual, I was a bit tired and miserable. There is much fun discussion on ‘celebrity’, we play ‘This is Your Wife’ and it has the best opening track ever (this is a lie, but we did laugh, oh how we laughed. Have a listen here: