How To Make The Oscars Better: A Simple Guide

I’d entirely forgotten that the Oscars had happened last night until I switched on the TV this morning for my usual burst of This Morning. Handy that the show is titled the same as the time I watch it and I can’t help but feel it constantly deserves a small smattering of applause for such ingenuity. Then again, it would be funnier if it was called ‘Tomorrow Afternoon’ just to confuse many of its more fragile viewers into thinking they are constantly trapped in the past. Or future. Depends on how such a fragile mind works. So yeah Oscars and stuff, how on earth could I forget about the biggest event in Hollywood you ask? Well, question asking monkey, its probably because I’m not in Hollywood. More importantly, I think it shows that perhaps film types aren’t trying hard enough if I no longer remember their biggest ceremony. I bet it was the talk of the evening last night. ‘Tiernan isn’t watching, what are we doing wrong?’ Well I hope they take it seriously because frankly there was loads they do wrong every year.

Firstly, I’m pretty bored of seeing people wearing fancy dresses walking down a red carpet. Lets replace it with one of those disgusting puse old man pub rugs, and then get everyone to wear a costume from the film they’ve been in. Last night would’ve been amazing with several Na’vi strolling along dodging fag burns and sick stains, while some er, damaged lockers, trundle alongside them. Secondly, I think it should be held in a zoo instead of a big hall. I have no reason to justify this, but I often think more events should be held in zoos. Think of an event, put it in a zoo, its automatically better. Weddings, yawn. Weddings in a zoo. Awesome. Funerals, triple yawn. Funerals in a zoo, monkeys on the coffin, someone batting the vultures away, incredible. School play, someone kill me now. School play in the lions enclosure, edge of your seat amazingness. So the Oscars too, could benefit from being surrounded by various species of wildlife.

All films, for the course of the show, shall only be referred to as ‘fillums’ and if anyone says otherwise their entire movie is disqualified. Then we need some categories which people actually care about when they go to see a film: Most People Deaded In A Fillum, Best Glimpse Of Boobs/Ass/Cock In A Fillum, Best Use Of A Swear That Kids Will Quote In A PlayGround For Years To Come In A Fillum. Finally all the speeches are time limited and have to contain at least one phrase that they pull out of a hat that have been written by a loony person in another language and its been translated into English. How brilliant would it have been hearing Mo’Nique in the middle of her acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress just suddenly say ‘Argh! The Snakes ! Take the snakes, my eyes from them Herbert!’ or something.

I swear I should so be allowed to run the Oscars. Until they let me, or at least adhere to some of my rules, I shan’t be watching them again. Full of dull. Well done to Kathryn Bigalow though for being the first acclaimed direct woman. Before her, women were generally thought as being pretty indirect – blaming you for something without saying what it was, crying about things without mentioning what they are etc. So well done to Kathryn for just dealing with things directly. I bet her husband Deuce Bigalow is really pleased. Maybe it means he can stop being a gigolo now.

Tara Flynn has written an even better blog about the Oscars today too, which made me laugh muchly. You should have a ganders here:


I’m guest hosting Old Rope tonight. I have no new gags. I wanted to go home early and write some but in the afternoon I heard Lional Blair say ‘fuck’ and frankly that threw the rest of my day out of order. There should be some sort of law in place to stop that happening. I spent a good hour wondering if I’d seen a glitch in the Matrix or if I’d witnessed a sign of the coming apocalypse.