Valentiernan’s Day

So its the day of Rome Ants, the biggest ants in Italy and to celebrate just how big Rome Ants are, everyone gets sexy. That’s right, its Valentine’s Day or as I aim to rename it, Valentiernan’s Day. What that will entail is everyone giving me endless love all day on the 14th until we all decide its got too messy and we’ll stop and have a wash. Layla isn’t too keen on this idea at all. But she can shush cos I’ve been all Rome Antic and done the flowers and breakfast thing like a good boyfriend today. I still don’t think that flowers are a great symbol of love. For a start they die after a few days, or at least they do when I look after them. And the only similarities between roses and a relationship that I can see are that they’re bloody expensive and are thorny if you touch the wrong bits. I was trying to persuade Layla that I get her something that symbolises our relationship’s durability, how it will last forever and we’ll always carry each other ie a plastic bag. She wasn’t too pleased with that either.

To be fair, we can’t really be bothered with Valentine’s because we do lovely things all year round. I often think that those who go all out today probably can’t be bothered doing things the rest of the year and spend their time punching women and farting in front of children (or something like that. Both of those seem pretty unromantic if you ask me). I read the other day that Valentine’s Day all comes from the pagan festival of Lupercalia which celebrated the god Pan, who was the god of kitchen utensils and that shitty South American pipe music you hear in hotel foyers. During this celebration the men would run around slapping the women in the village with goat’s flesh. Some of it had to come from really gruff goats, just incase the men had to slap any real trolls. Sexy stuff huh? Then they’d all put the ladies’ names in a hat and whoever they drew out they’d spend the rest of the year shagging. In villages where there were more men than women, some of the men had to spend 365 days doing a ‘Tootsy’. Then the Christians came along, and ruined it all so that it became Valentine’s Day and somehow out with the goat’s meat and sex and in with the sort of teddy bears that could make Vin Diesel puke, and cards that have messages that show things like a picture of a sheep saying ‘ Ewe are my Valentine’ but actually carry the message that you think you’re loved one looks like a farm animal. I say lets all be romantic all year round and then on Valentine’s Day, we should be the opposite of romantic, like eat something from a bin and call your partner a dickwad, or something like that. Yeah, take that Christians/!

To rebel against such things, our romantic day today is going to be spent mostly in pajamas, eating things and then later going to the cinema to finally see Avatar. Yes, neither of us have seen it yet. If it turns out to be a whole film about the little picture people use to symbolise them in a geek forums, I’ll be gutted. Or about the special tar that Ava Vidal uses to cover roads, then I’ll be annoyed too.

Hope you all have lovely sexy times. I’m off to be a proper Casanova and eat two pan au chocolat’s at once before drinking more tea. That’s what the ladies love, yes indeedy.