Sorry For Today’s Blog

Oh dear. I appear to have slept until now. I would say I feel guilty about wasting away half the day but I don’t. Ha ha. Take that all you parents who might say such things. ‘The Best Part Of The Day Is The Morning’. I reckon whoever invented that phrase either was an insomniac or someone who had to get up early for work. Either way, they were lying and everyone knows it. As far as I’m concerned the morning is a big idiot.

Actually I do feel a bit guilty. The only reason I slept in so late is because after a lovely Fat Tuesday last night I came home and decided to clock Assassin’s Creed 2 on the Xbox, which took me till about 3.30am. I’m a fool and any lethargy or lack of writing that happens today is entirely my fault. On the plus side, tonight’s gig is with the London Comedy Improv peoples and so there’s little I can prepare anyhow. Although I suppose it would help if my brain wasn’t sleepy or only thinking about 15th Century Italian assassins.

Oh and I had beer as well. Only one pint, which admittedly has done nothing, but after having not drunk for weeks and weeks, that one beer is evidently in my system. It all felt rather nice, like I had a missing limb reattached, until this morning when I woke up with things in my throat that were of the sort of colours that would alarm the Ghostbusters. I haven’t missed drinking these last few weeks. Or at least I though I hadn’t. But after that pint last night I realised I really liked the taste of a good pint. Its strange because we all know beer tastes like shit. In fact even if you like the taste but you drink beer when you don’t want beer, its clear it tastes like shit. Therefore my theory is that its all about your brain overriding the tastebuds and saying ‘hey there, you like that’. I’m assuming that this is all part of the same bit of my brain that has recently made me like blue cheese, herbal tea and porridge. I’m not sure I like that. How do I know it won’t progress and insist I like steak or something weird like toenails or soil? What I need to do, is hone this ability so soon I can be chomping down on bicycle parts and light bulbs like that French dude who used to do that. That would be amazing, though I do worry about the digestion process of all that and without meaning to be to crude, how it leaves the system without cutting things.

Little else to say today. I discovered I had a new blog reader in the form of the lovely and funny Tom Davis, who was on at Fat Tuesday last night. While I get quite excited to find people read this, I can’t help but apologise for entries like this. I do feel sorry for anyone who trundles through this expecting it to be even midly amusing at any point only to discover it doesn’t and that’s part of their life that they’ll never get back. And you won’t either. I’d very much like it if timewasting things came with coupons at the end that you could cash in somewhere and get that amount of time back. I would gather up all my bank queues, traffic times, and anytime I’ve accidentally caught any of Loose Women on TV and cash it all in to get a year back. Then with that extra year I’d go round doing more time wasting things to build up and further supply of coupons eventually repeating the process till I have lots of years and yet still seem to be fundamentally bored because I have no friends from all the timewasting.

Oh god I need to stop writing today. Its like someone’s vommed on the keyboard and the vom is typing. Once again, sorry for today.