Today is the day I’ve been dreading for a long time. I knew it was coming and its been looming all year. Today, friends, I step forth and head to Westfield shopping centre in an insane attempt to get everyone’s Christmas presents. Thanks for you concerns. I feel there is nothing else I can do, and no one can do this for me. I just have to man up and head into the madding crowd. I still don’t know what madding means. It doesn’t even sound like it should be a word. Why isn’t it maddening? Why would Thomas Hardy mess with words like that? Oh god, so many things to worry about. I’m trying to devise a plan. I’ve looked at the Westfield schematics and worked out what shops I need to be in and when. I’ve also looked at all emergency exits and escape routes should zombies attack, or more likely, I need to escape after punching someone to death for forgetting their pin number while in the queue infront of me. If there’s time I’m also going to build a large suit of armour with a giant plough that attaches to the front so I can just scoop up dawdling idiots and throw them aside. I have a feeling this last bit may stop me being allowed into Westfield at all and so it could ruin the whole plan. What I need is a taser, or something small that will just make people keel over without effort or suspicion on my part. I’ve never actually been to Westfield before, but Layla assures me its a good idea. Oxford St is too snowy, slippy and even more full of twats. Islington is too posh and whilst great to buy someone an arty piece of worthless junk, its useless for anything anyone actually wants. So all in all, our only option is to head west.
I shouldn’t have left it this late, but I have only just been paid for things, so it had to happen. I attempted some yesterday before Old Rope, but I was thwarted by the blizzard. I have decided that any snow I was in was a blizzard. This is hugely double standards as whatever snow anyone else was in, that they couldn’t get out from or made them unable to travel, was just light snow. By saying this it makes me look like a weather explorer, a snow defeater and it makes everyone else look just a bit crap. I will continue to over emphasise weather conditions like this in order to boost my self esteem. The only problem with this is that if I am to ever encounter actual extreme weather I will have to state that its the end of the world to make people believe I was actually in any danger. Actually to be fair, if I ever encounter any extreme weather I’ll probably not survive so that solves that problem. Lots of people had problems getting to Old Rope last night. Not the audience, they were all there, but the acts. They weren’t. For a while it was only myself and Matt Kirshen and I was wondering if we both needed to preview a wholly improvised new hour of stand up each. Luckily this was not the case and instead I did some new which didn’t work, some old which didn’t work, and I thought up one new gag on the spot which did work. That was annoying. The night was much fun overall and topped off by a great song about a Jesus hat from Nick Doody and an excellent set from an exhausted and ill but brilliant Robin Ince. I am now all finished gigwise and everytime I say that I feel like doing a small no gig jig. This feeling will last about 3 days until I feel gig withdrawals and then panic about money.
No more words from me. I must head forth and deal with the most evil of beasts, the Christmas crowd. I have just seen on Twitter that Nick Frost is there too. I may take my cricket bat and hope for some sort of Shaun of the Dead re-enactment.
…bash ’em in the head. That seems to work….