Coffee Fuelled Celebrity Rage

I’ve had too much coffee and so have no idea how this blog will go. I’d planned various things to write about today but I’m already typing six times faster than I would normally and so it could all go horribly wrong. My eye is twitching and I’m scared that if I don’t start doing laps around my living room I may just continue to shake until I build up enough energy and explode. There really needs to be warnings on things like coffee and tea. I’ve only had one cuppa this morning and then two cappuchinos at a meeting and now my brain and heart are trying to compete as to which one will shoot out of my body first. I never learn with coffee, despite being particularly susceptible to it. I normally stick to lattes even though I know its just a lot of milk, but if I take caffeine in any stronger form I feel a surge of energy like Bruce Banner when transforming into the Hulk only without any of the mass or strength, just the slightly demented expression and inability to speak. If the Hulk had not had the whole big green thing, he’d have been even angrier. I’d have liked to have read comics where Bruce gets angry and just kicks over a trash can, hurts his foot and then gets a caution by the police, which then in turn makes him more angry and 40 comics later dies of a stress related hemorrhage. So we’ll see how this blog goes. Either it will just become eligible and a mess as I type faster and faster until the keyboard sets alight or I’ll have a massive caffeine crash midway through and drift off and become sluggish. Whatever happens it does not bode well for the new material I have to write for tonight’s Old Rope.

Right, go team:


There are weird see through worms in one of our chilli plants. At first I didn’t believe Layla when she told me, or even when I went to look at them. The problem with being see-through is that its pretty hard to see you. Superb if in some sort of stealthy mission, which is only what I can assume these worms are doing. They gave up their cover by wriggling a bit and appeared a bit like the Predator, only an awful lot smaller. And a worm. Essentially had Arnie come up against these things the fight would have been far less dramatic and would just have involved him accidentally treading on them and never really noticing. It sounds like I’m being completely loony and whilst on this much caffeine I am infact doubting myself, but trust me, they are there. Weirdly the chilli plant with them in, is doing far better than the chilli plant without them in so I am choosing to believe they are tiny alien chilli worms and need to stay there for the plants own good. I am also too scared to remove them incase they a) eat me, b) grow into a giant Predator and eat me, c) make me invisible and then eat me.


I know there was a lot of controversy on the telly last night, what with Jedward not being voted off despite their inabilty to dance anyway other than as though they have shat themselves and sing in the way tramps shout at pigeons. That isn’t what annoyed me about the telly last night. Frankly, if you watch X-Factor, Jedward is your fault. They exist as a creation of television entertainment and by watching and enjoying them you allow the big TV people to know that they can keep up the farce as it gives them publicity whereas that other one whose name I haven’t even noted, is all a bit dull and couldn’t cause controversy if she blacked up and sang a song about Maddie. Ok, maybe she could. And in fact, I’d like to see that and would definitely vote for her, in the same way everyone is voting for Jedward. I’m secretly hoping its because really we’d all like to see the X-Factor die and if they win, or even get close anyone that did take it seriously would stop. They should. Its not meant to be taken seriously. It has Dannii Minogue on it and pretends she’s credible. Surely that should be an indicator. My secret opinion is that Jedward have to be kept on the show and in the X-Factor house because if they are allowed back into the wide world, its only a matter of time before they kill again.

No it wasn’t that that annoyed me. Nor was it the tragedy that was the Black Eyed Peas shocking performance were they masqueraded as some sort of cheap panto, with Fergie as a botoxed Fairy Godmother, Will I.Am as Peter Pan re-written so that Pan is a mega self indulgent prick and the other two as hugely forgettable losers. I have a Black Eyed Peas track from the Bulworth soundtrack called ‘Joints and Jams’. Its a great hip-hop track, with an ace beat and some good rapping on it. Somehow, after the album that that was on, they decided they would be better with a woman who shares her name with a royal ginger nut bag and has an issue with incontinence whilst on stage. Sadly they got far more popular and the world of the idiot public made me sad once again. Damn you for being right Will I.Am, Cock You.Are.

What truly upset me about telly was seeing some of All Star Family Fortunes. When did real people suddenly stop being an option for game show contestants? Yes Vernon Kaye is an advert for fake tan and toothpaste but he’s nowhere near as upsetting as watching a member of John Barrowman’s family get given a day’s racing in fast cars for free when they can easily have been given that by Barrowman with his pocket money. There are people out there would have loved to have guessed what 100 brain damaged people that were specially selected from a primary school had thought were the five most commonly used words for ‘teenage pregnancy’, just so they could get that day out. That car trip must have cost at least a few hundred pounds, which was made far worse when the Barrowman’s lost and they only got £190 for charity. They may as well have a whole show were celebrities throw 1p pieces at the eyes of starving children while gouging on caviar handed free to them by heads of television. They shouldn’t be gambling with money that might go to a good cause. Just take the money out of your wealth lined pockets and give it to charities. Don’t let little Timmy that’s ‘fallen down the stairs’ 15 times in the last months sit with baited breath hoping some dick from Eastenders gets the NSPCC the £20k so he’ll be safe, then crying as they gasp when Vanessa Feltz isn’t on the list of most popular mammals and he’s forced to go back home. Celebrities aren’t better than normal people. Watching the public do game shows was the reason they were good. You watched hoping that lowly housewife would win £5000 so she could finally go on holiday, or more importantly waiting in vein incase John from Dorset accidentally made a racist comment and the show had to quickly go to break. Lets get real people back on the telly and celebrities if they want to gamble with money I suggest they wear jackets covered in thousands of their own £10 notes and are slowly lowered and raised above an angry crowd at Brent Cross shopping centre.

Wow, that’s what caffeine does. Sorry about that. I’m unduly angry now. Can’t work out if I should fuel this with more coffee or let it plateau out and embrace the feeling of weakness. Fuck it, I have to write new material for tonight’s Old Rope. I reckon 15 more cups and hopefully I’ll reach that fine line of angry biting material and fighting someone in the front row.