Adverts are generally full of lies. I know this. Its something I’ve been aware of for many years ever since I could read the tiny print on the bottom of the screen or the poster that said things like ‘please note this toy does not actually shoot web’ or ‘this pack of chewits is not 50ft tall’. However while its all part of what they’re meant to do, the new roadside adverts for Subway are a big pile of tits. Pile of tits actually is not the correct phrase as it could refer to a rather good thing. Unless they were detached tits. Or the birds. I was referring to the last two possibilities neither of which are any good. Unless the birds aren’t dead, which would be ok. But they are. So its not. Anyway, I see these crap ads everywhere with their overly ridiculous statements. ‘Been flashed by a speed camera? We’ve got a sub for that.’ Or the other most irritating one ‘Can’t find a parking space? We’ve got a sub for that.’You don’t have subs for those things. What you have are sandwiches that may help a temporary hunger that has been exacerbated by extreme rage at getting a ticket, points on your licence or not being able to park the car. You do not have a magical subway that when waved at a full car park makes cars disappear or when sent to the DVLA in response to your speeding fine makes it all go away. Don’t get me wrong, if they did have those things, I’d definitely buy them and I’m sure the DVLA and those car owners whose cars have disappeared would start some sort of campaign against them. But they don’t do those things and I’m fairly sure this goes against the Trade Descriptions Act. I’m going to write to Parliament saying that unless Subway can prove that if a Newcastle Fan goes into a sub and has a specific subway that cures his terrible affliction then they need to be shut down. I’m not just picking on Newcastle fans for the sake of it by the way, but because of this:

If Parliament ignore the letter, then I am going to walk into every Subway I see claiming I have a different illness and then asking what they have for that. “I’ve got the Ebola virus, have you got a sub for that?’ and if they claim yes I will scream all sorts of hell upon their lying souls, before pretending to die of Ebola.

Sorry I’m not sure why this has made me quite so angry. I saw it on the way to the ever lovely gig Happy Mondays last night and got angry. Then I did the gig which was ever lovely, but saw it on my way home and got angry again. I blame the rain. I’m not a fan of this time of year whatsoever and it does feel like its really snuck up on us this October. Sunny, sunny, sunny, sunny, quick look over there, rain and cold. Not only is the rain bad because it makes you wet, and things grey looking, but also because it heralds the time of the year where the cats start to paw print the entire flat with tiny muddy indications of their whereabouts. So far our nice white bed sheets now have a distinct marking of a quick leap on and off the right side of the bed, followed by a mosey around and a sleep on the left. Our back door has several longer marks from various attempts at steadying themselves on the top of it, before leaping off into the living room. There is little point in scrubbing them off, as they will just re-appear within minutes. What I would like, is either tiny cat wellies, that they could take off when they enter the house or for their paw prints to at least be artistic enough to add value to our flat. If I return home one day and they’ve paw printed a Dali or Picasso, I’ll be damn pleased. Until then I guess I’ll have to put up with feline graffiti vandalism. Maybe I should call Subway and see if they’ve got a Sub for that?

To Chichester University tonight. Never been there before so I hope its a bundle of fun. If its not I might just angry about subway and shout a lot. Also next week’s Fat Tuesday is now selling very fast due to its two heavily hinted special guests. Have a sneak peek here: