God Bothered

I live around the corner from the Rainbow Theatre, a building that since its construction has witnessed many incredible things. The walls could tell you many tales of old film screenings from when it was one of the largest cinema’s in London during the 1930’s. Then during the 60s it held music concerts from the likes of Frank Sinatra, The Beach Boys, The Beatles and Otis Redding to name a few. This was followed up in the 70s by gigs from The Who, Frank Zappa, Jimi Hendrix and Bob Marley. After it was graced with the presence of such amazing musicians, the Rainbow Theatre was home to several boxing matches before it lay derelict till 1995. Since then arguably it has become home to its greatest spectacle’s yet, spiritual healinings, exorcisms and general shitty god waffle thanks to the UCKG, the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God. I’m sure Jimi Hendrix is spinning in his grave and its not just because he took so much acid during his life that its still affecting his corpse. It makes me so angry that that’s what this incredible building is now being used for. I would do anything to have a brilliant rock venue around the corner from my house rather than a bunch of people who are fairly sure that by singing about a non-existant deity that they can cure AIDS. Sure, you might say that having a music venue nearby would cause large amounts of drunken fans loitering at night perhaps causing mayhem. This may be true, but I prefer them to a group of God botherers who insist on posting preachy bits of paper through my door and covering the area in overly dramatic posters.

Now, I’m not usually that venomous to religious people. I like to think that its their choice to believe in what they like and one day hopefully they’ll grow up, but I won’t get too upset if they don’t. What I can’t stand about the UCKG is things like the like fact that they have been accused of fraud several times before and are under constant investigation for money laundering, fraud and their founder Bishop Macedo was imprisoned for tax evasion. If this wasn’t enough then the two responsible for the abuse and death of Victoria Climbe were both members and did it because they believed the eight year old was possessed by Satan. I think that in all circumstances I would prefer 2000 Iron Maiden fans walking the streets of Finsbury Park rather than anyone like that. This is not just because Iron Maiden fans are now all middle aged and massively harmless. Now admittedly, I am rarely harassed by these funda-mentalists, but they manage to irritate me even when they are not trying to enlist my beliefs. Things like this just annoy the fuck out of me:


Sadly my iPhone camera isn’t all that amazing (thanks very much Steve Jobs), but if you can’t read it, the text says ‘The God Who Answers By Fire. He is God.’ I would have thought that the god who answers by fire is either an arsonist, or a dragon. Whichever of those he is, I wouldn’t recommend worshipping them, as it will only lead to mayhem. Maybe I’m wrong and the faithful have a lot of time for the Church of Keith Flint. Also this advert, surely this is just asking for someone to set fire to their church after they’ve done a bit of chanting? I’m certainly considering it. If that building does burn down on Oct 11th I think there are some insurance questions that need to be answered. Although worryingly if they ask them to god, he may respond in more fire.

The other two signs that they have up at the moment are one about the Sunday Afternoon of Power, which just sounds gash and a giant picture of a boat in rocky waters with a lighthouse shining onto it. The tagline says ‘Are you sinking? Then come to the lighthouse.’ What they have failed to take into consideration is that if your boat is sinking, it may be rather hard to steer towards a lighthouse. What they need is a life boat. That is quite different and has a far greater level of flotation. Essentially by shining a large beam of light into the sailors faces as they slowly drown, you are merely mocking them and allowing them to see their own demise even more clearly. Along with these signs they have a regular paper which I occasionally read and chuckle along with, whilst worrying its destroying my mind. Its called ‘City News’ and frequently fails to have any news whatsoever. Instead it specialises in telling stories about people who have been raped/drug dealers/had their family killed but then found god and now everything’s la di da. Every one of these stories goes through the process of just how awful their lives were before they discovered the UCKG and never seems to notice that god is a real bastard for not helping them out before all of this happened. Not only that but they always have to find him, as though he is like one of those council workers who is always on answerphone and never at his desk. More and more they are convincing me that should a higher power exist, he’s really not very nice. The only thing that will sway such a decision is if he does set fire to the Rainbow Theatre on Oct 11th and rid our area of such purveyors of anti-social behaviour.

Oh and Fat Tuesday was brilliant yesterday. Maxwell, Doody and Ramsey were all ace, but the star of the night was Chris Smith, a man who reads the news on Radio 1. I made him say things in his news voice and it was the best thing ever. If you weren’t there you are a stupid. I’m going to play badminton today with Tom, Nat and Josh (Widdicombe). I will wear my Bjorn Borg headband as given to me by Jon Maisey (@MaiseyJon). This means I will definitely win everything. Then off to Mat’s for Halo ODST and pizza. Today has the markings of goodness.