Essential Waitrose

I’ve just taken a once in a blue moon trip to Waitrose. Occasionally Layla and myself think that rather than just go to our local shop or one of the more regular supermarkets, we think it would be nice to treat ourselves and go to Waitrose. The Waitrose on Holloway Road is one of the more deceiving branches. Situated across from an ASDA and next to shop that sell second hand things from people that didn’t want them to people that still don’t want them but can’t afford to buy stuff they do want, the Waitrose pretends its available for the Holloway Road market. Its not, and what happens is the Holloway Road market, people such as myself, get suckered in by the illusion that we can be upper-middle class for a day and then end up spending our life saving on two potatoes from a Fairtrade farm in Columbia and some oatcakes that were made by a farmer who grows all his oats in a pair of British boots in his British shed in Swindon. I always get far too excited and have walked away broke but with some really nice coffee, fresh bread and some lettuce that has already been cut up even though for 60p less I could have gone home and cut it with a knife that I already own and now feels neglected.

My favourite new section is ‘Waitrose Essentials’. The slogan they use for these branded items is ‘introducing everyday essentials with the quality you’d expect with prices you wouldn’t’. I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect those prices for that quality. Mainly because I can get a Tesco value tin of chopped toms without having to remortgage. One of the essential items they were selling was ‘Fresh Custard’. No wonder England is fat. Custard has never been an ‘essential’ item unless you are a clown and get through hordes of the stuff throwing it at other clowns. Some might say that’s not essential, but to clowns it is. Its a natural survival instinct. Small runt clowns and dairy intolerant clowns who are unable to throw custard often get left behind when the circus moves to a different town and they are forced to fend for themselves amongst pikeys and weird drunk tramps who shout in the park. I saw a whole David Attenborough program on it once.

Despite not being essential, the custard among many other things in Waitrose is Fairtrade which I like buying because it makes me feel less guilty. I know that buying non-fair trade goods means some small child is plucking coffee beans in a field for overly long work hours and less than minimum wage. At least when I buy fairtrade that child still works in the fields for overly long hours but gets £3.53 as they are under 18. I still hope that one day I will be able to implement my idea of FunFairTrade which is exactly the same as Fairtrade but the kids get to go on the waltzers at the end of the day. This also provides further work for funfair pikeys who will then have less time to attack clowns. I’m a bloody saviour I am.

I only got round to watching the Doctor Who special last night and I’m wondering more and more whether Russell T Davies is using ‘special’ as in ‘special needs’. Poor script, poor acting and Michelle Ryan being annoying. It should have been an indicator that it had two huge fly people in it. Flies are only attracted to shit, and the Easter Special was no exception. I was really sad Tenant was leaving when I first heard, but now I can’t wait only because Davies leaves with him. Hopefully Davies will only ever get work on kids television, making programs where patronising dialogue seems appropriate.

I am doing some work today then having a Wire season 4 marathon. I will watch it while drinking Columbian fresh coffee and croutons from Waitrose. Not together, that’d be weird. Although my Grandad used to dip his croissant in coffee, but he was French which seemed to be his excuse for most things that seemed unacceptably weird. Like when he told me at the age of six about killing his commander in cold blood in World War Two. The French get away with a lot of stuff, using their nationality as an excuse. Look at French clowns. They don’t even use custard or anything. And if they did they would probably just dip croissants in it.