Leeds 1 of 3

Layla gets back today. I should probably do stuff like clean up and things. I don’t like that this is what’s meant to happen. She has been away on a fun weekend while I have been working, yet I am still expected to clean up. If she hadn’t gone away we probably wouldn’t have cleaned stuff, so it thats weird ‘make the house nice for their return’ ideal that seems to come into play. I hate that. I also hate it when you pick people up from the airport after they come back from a long holiday and they say ‘oh I’m so tired’. Are you? Really? After two weeks of relaxing holidays? Well I’ve been working loads and then drove all the way to pick you up, so you can take that tired and eat it. 

I am going to make the place nice and will meet Layla at the station, I am also just feeling a tad tired and ratty myself today. Last night was a very long journey for just one gig. I’m quite pleased I did it as it was a brilliant night. Well, nearly brilliant, apart from one odd hiccup towards the end. I thought it was all going to go wrong at the top, when I walked in and said I was MCing that night. They were expecting Dan Nightingale and when they realised he wasn’t coming said to me ‘Oh shit, what a shame! He goes down really well here’. There was an apology afterwards but it was a nice way to make you feel unwanted. I only hope that wherever Dan was that night someone said ‘oh shit. Tiernan goes down really well here.’ Even if he wasn’t gigging and was just at home. I go down very well on people’s sofas. I have an array of light chat and ability to watch TV and snack all at once. Have that Dan, you might be lord of the HiFi Club, but I am king of sitting on my arse. 
Despite being a busy, chatty Saturday night crowd it all started very very nicely. Some top banter with a man who makes pork pies for a living, a man who pretended to be a pigeon carrier, some people with a polite version of tourettes and a lady who got a kite for her birthday. Generally all things that can lead to some mirth and they did. Bringing Alun Cochrane on, he had to make concessions for the fact some of the lights weren’t working and the only way the crowd could see his face was if he was sitting down. I, being merely tiny in height in comparison, had not had this problem. Despite sitting, Cochrance ripped up the room. I hadn’t had the chance to watch him when we were in Bristol together so was pleased to see his newer material. 
Then during the interval it started to go wrong. We had discovered that the headliner had now changed again and that the lovely and very funny Steve Best was now closing. Unfortunately he had to race over from Jongleurs and the interval went from being 15 minutes to 25-30 minutes before he made it and we went back on. By the time I walked on stage the crowd were a lot chattier and a lot more pissed than before. Still after quieting them down, it felt like they were back on side and I had a nice ten mins before bringing on Steve. Then they turned. Steve managed about 10 minutes of his set before one arsehole in the crowd shouted ‘Get off!’. The majority of the crowd were really loving his set, but this one man decided he verbally needed to tell everyone that he didn’t like it. Steve started to deal with him only for all the man’s friends to start heckling rather viciously too. They eventually quietened down after the rest of the crowd cheered for Steve to go on, then there was a rather awkward and very tense ten further minutes before Steve just decided to leave it. It was really sad to see these few people ruin it for the rest. I went on after Steve and said that it was unfair to do that and that the best thing about the HiFi Club was the variety of comics you get to see. Then as we were leaving the arsehole man was at the exit and decided to shout ‘don’t come back’, which was unnecessarily harsh. 
Steve really didn’t care (especially as he was heading to his third gig of the night), but it made me really angry that people can be so shitty just because they don’t like something. 99% of the audience were having a really good time, but as it wasn’t a large room, one person being crap ruined it for everyone. I’m all for freedom of speech, but if you are the sort of person who will ruin things because you don’t like them, then you should really shut up. Unless of course its date rape, in which case you should definitely make noise and get help. Apart from that exception then you shouldn’t ruin things. It was a sad end to a good night. 
On my journey home I had to go in 4 service stations. This is a really excessive amount of stops, but it was partly the fault of inadequate services and partly the fault of my bladder. It started with a Costa Coffee being closed at the services outside Leeds. Why would you close the coffee shop at a time when people really need coffee? Do they realise that in these credit crunch times of need they are missing out on vital business? There were two other drivers there that felt the same disappointment as me and we all drove in coffee fueled tandem to Woodall services for some dirty Primo coffee which tasted not dissimilar to soil in some hot water. This soil water then lead to a wee stop only half an hour later. My bladder has obviously become weak, as not long ago I would have coped for a much further distance. Saying that, it is not often I drink hot soil so it could have had an effect. While having a wee stop, I decided to get some coffee from a Costa that was open because it wasn’t shit. This, while satisfactory, lead to a further wee stop only 40 minutes later. I was in a java piss cycle of doom. 4th stop I decided not to have any more coffee as I needed to get home and now I had caffeine shakes. The soil was obviously stronger than I thought. No wonder moles and worms always seem a bit mental. 

There are two places I always pass on the M1 if driving as far as Leeds. One is Gulliver’s Kingdom and the other is Gulliver’s Land. I never have time to go to either of these places but I really want to make the effort one day. I really really hope one just has very small things in it and the other has very big things. If you have been please let me know and if it’s not like that please lie. I couldn’t cope with the idea that Gulliver’s magical journey only involved some gypsies and going on a waltzer.