Frozen Planet

Man, I love Frozen Planet. Its a testament to both David Attenborough and also to the animals of the Northern and Southern hemispheres that an hour of viewing such antics (arctics?) is far more enjoyable than any other tosh that’s on our screens. Sure you can stick 10 twits in a house and film them for a 10 weeks but will it be as funny as watching penguins steal rocks from other penguins? No. You can hear as many heartache tales from X-Factor idiots as possible but it’ll never pull the heart strings in the same way watching a baby seal nearly get eaten by a polar bear will. Sure Jon Snow will say some great things on C4 news, but is he as good as actual snow? And tons of it? Hell no (snow?)! One day later than everyone else I finally had an hour spare to lay on our sofa and watch the latest instalment of icy joy, and by god it didn’t disappoint. Here are a couple of things that I thought very much ruled the roost:

Narwhals – CAPTAIN WHAT THE FUCK? A whale with a huge unicorn horn? That’s completely batshit crazy town. I sat musing with L as to why they might have such huge singular tusks. Perhaps to break ice with? To skewer underwater kebabs or sea cucumbers? To allow shrimp to pole dance? To pole vault on their own faces underwater? To indulge in huge underwater cheese and pineapple swarees? Attenborough said he didn’t know why and that no one does. I hope we never find out, but I reckon if you were to drink from it you’d be invincible. FACT.

Polar Bear hunts fail 9 times out of 10 – isn’t this the most horribly sad fact in the world? That and seeing the mother bear having fed her cubs for four months without eating a thing herself? I complain when I miss lunch cos I’m too busy. 4 months? No wonder those bears are always so angry when they see people. My dad gets a bit angry when he doesn’t eat by 6pm every night, so those bears must be bloody furious. I can totally see why that student got killed. Though he must now feel like a total dick considering he was the 1 out of 10 that got caught and therefore has been beaten by a baby seal.

Killer whales that only eat fish – what dicks.

Next week there is even more penguin and bear action. I really hope this show never ends. I think if you honestly can’t think of any other reason not to cause global warming then let it at least be so we can have more series of frozen mayhem. Thankyou.

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