Hagar The Small

This blog comes to you after an hour and a half of brainstorming telly ideas and whilst that should mean I’m on a huge mental rush and about to deliver a blog d’resistance, I’m actually now just knackered and too full of coffee to be able to type properly. I’ve managed to plan all the things I need to do today in a very bad way, meaning I’m stuck in the West End of London all day, with two very long gaps between meetings. First was at 10.30, next is at 3pm, last one is 7pm. Rather than bother to go home inbetween, I’ve been frequenting coffee shops like some sort of java junkie, and spending too much on wifi, knowing full well that elsewhere it resides for free. I always feel like paying for wifi is somewhat like paying for tap water, or indeed air. They already have it for free, I’m merely being charged for sitting somewhere. This is why I always try my best to download as much stuff as possible on their bandwith as penance. Today, the entire video versions of the Encyclopedia Britannica A-Z (I don’t know if this exists, but I like to imagine if it does, its all read out by David Attenborough, Brian Blessed and Pete Postlethwaite and takes up 6 trillion gigabites). They are however now playing one of my fave tracks from Radiohead’s Hail To The Thief album so I will pause the download out of respect. I hate having to waste time. In my head, I’ll go all poetic and roam the streets of London writing the most genius gags as my mind wanders from whimsical thought to creative wonder. In reality, I’ll go and look at things I can’t afford, waste all my phone’s battery life playing Angry Birds (Halloween edition, I’m not that out of the loop) and twittering, and drinking so much caffeine that the day is a write off due to feeling to float to do anything.

It does worry me my inability to fill free time well. I hope its purely because I know I have arrangements either side of it which takes away an element of ‘free’ about it, and makes it more ‘glorified waiting’. If its not that, then I’m in trouble as last night, on a whim, I booked myself a holiday for straight after my 30th birthday, where I’ll be spending at least 4 days with nothing but my own company. I’m hugely excited about it, and so far the plan is to hit Dublin with the excellent beard wonder that is Keith Farnan for a few days before then scooting off to the far North of Norway to try and see the Northern Lights. I am nothing but brimming with anticipation about dressing up all warm, stomping through the snow and hopefully seeing the sky explode before electric boogalooing with a polar bear then having a husky race. Ok, maybe not the polar bear bit. That’s even further North than I’m heading apparently. So in theory, it should be some awesome soul searching, writing, chilling me time. In practice, I’m worried I’ll spend the whole time looking at things I can’t afford, wasting my phone bill and battery life, and drinking so much caffeine I’ll need a wee just as the Northern Lights appear.

My other fear is that I’ll just realise I like that sort of solitary time far too much, become a new age viking, set up camp on the side of a mountain, praying to Odin and never return. I’ve booked into a hotel called Thor’s, so it feels like some sort of omen. I’ve always liked the idea of drinking booze through a horn and wearing bear fur. Less so the raping and pillaging. Or stabbing people. Maybe the new age bit of it can be less of all that? I think, after now being in this Starbucks for 20 mins, its more than likely that all that will happen is I will entertain these sorts of thoughts for 4 days straight with no vent for them but this blog (if I can) and come back even more weird than I already am. If anyone knows anyone in Norway, give them warning now that in early January to watch out for a 30 year old man roaming the streets of Tromso, wearing a horned hat and shouting about breakdancing polar bears so they are prepared.

Now to go and stare at the Adidas Stormtrooper hoodie they are currently selling and try and work out if buying it will a) make me look like a geek, b) make me look like a chav (its white), c) make me look like a geeky chav, or d) make me look like a hella cool stormtrooper hoodie wearing legend. I’m almost definitely certain it’ll be c). Might just search for viking gear instead.

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