In the last 24 hours I’ve managed to lose both my Oyster Card and my pajama bottoms. I don’t think I did it at the same time, though if I did then I’ve been undertaking some very questionable nighttime activities. Such as sleep busing or tubing. Its like a faster, more efficient way of sleep walking. If this is the case then I hope I take it up another level and look forward to the day I wake up having lost my boxers (Ladies? Ladies?) and all my airmiles have also been used up. I assume I’d be in a different country at the time too, unless I’d only gone for internal flights, which is possible as I don’t have many airmiles. So far I currently hold enough to get on a plane, walk to the end of it then get off the steps at the back. I can’t see me having the holiday of a lifetime anytime soon. So no oyster card means extortionate travel until I can get a new one and no PJ bottoms means cold legs while I sit here typing things. Yes, I could get a new oyster card, and yes I could also put on any other trousers I have, for I don’t want to boast or anything, but I have a few pairs. I’ve always been good like that on the trouser front. Its sort of frowned upon if you walk around without any, so I decided to fit in with society I’d get some. Anyway, combine these two losses with the loss of my favourite hat on Sunday and it appears I’ve become somewhat of a scatter brain.
This worries me a bit, as I’ve never forgotten things. I mean, yes, here and there I will leave the house without my keys. Occasionally I won’t reply to an email for months as its not registered in my brain that I need to. Once I forgot the main prop I needed for a sketch thing I was doing. So in fact, I have forgotten things. I do indeed forget things. I take it back. I’d obviously forgotten that I’m like that. But never have I misplaced such easy things in such a short space of time. My PJ bottoms haven’t left my room. My Oyster card should only be in a series of pockets. My hat was on my head for most of the evening. I can only assume that someone is using super powers to slow time and steal things from me. Or its a bunch of mischievous ninjas. ‘But how did they get in your room to take your PJs off you Tiernan?’ Stupid. They are ninjas. They can do what they like. There are several in your room right now. Just hanging out. Waiting around incase you spot them and they have to kill you. You’ll never spot them. They still might kill you anyway.
If it’s not either of those things then I need to start attaching things to me in ways I can’t lose them. Some sort of piercing or bungee cord attachment might work. Though I’d worry the latter would catch on a lamppost or something and I’d forever be pinging back and forth down the road until I was freed. I can’t be having this. Maybe I just need to not have any possessions anymore? This would make a lot of things easier such as looking for a new flat – no storage needed. Would never get mugged. Not that I do anyway, but I definitely wouldn’t if I had nothing. It would also get cold. And boring. Sigh. Mess. I’ll just get a new oyster and put some trousers on.
Quick final note to say that last night’s Fat Tuesday was amazing and huge thanks to all the millions of acts we had: Simon Munnery, Luke Toulson, Mark Steel, Ginger and Black, Tim Minchin and Adam Bloom. Every one was amazing. Our club is the bestest. Whoop!