The title was my favourite quote from yesterday, heard on a Radio 2 documentary about Spandeux Ballet and said by Martin Kemp. I love the idea that back in the 80s there was the assumption that the future would sound like something replicating something else. I just hope to god that synthesizer is not set to the ‘waa waa’ noise that used to be on my tiny casio that I had when I was about 6. That would quickly become really annoying, although not as irritating as the tiny yellow button that when you pressed it would repeatedly play ‘Yankee Doodle’ until you smashed it against a wall. I’m sure there was another clever way to turn it off but I quickly discovered that I have little patience for endlessly repeating noises that bore into your mind in plinky sounds. Its why I can’t handle the circus music. Circus music may not be too plinky, but it doesn’t seem to have an end. Whenever the notes do that ‘didldldldldldldldlddldldld’ bit (you know what I mean) it then starts back at the top and goes all over again. I can’t imagine why anyone would have composed that. Or more importantly, did they insist on writing it all out in music form, and if so, are they still writing it today? An infinite trap of circus hell? They are probably sitting there, ringmaster outfit almost woven into their skin, staring at a tiny model of a big top, writing those same notes over and over again longing for the day someone can give it a finish. All it actually needs to do is go ‘dun duuuunnnnnnnn’. I should probably point that out to someone and end a lifetime of misery. Other things that never end that really irritate me are the ‘Song that gets on your nerves’ and the Neverending Story. Although that last one annoys me because it does end, even though it says it doesn’t. By rights, that film should still be going on now and that stupid flying dog should be knackered.
I have to do a very strange gig tonight. Originally I was hired to host an awards ceremony for environmentally friendly businesses and do some gags, but then after calling the organiser, she said that wasn’t what she wanted at all. Instead they just wanted someone with a ‘nice voice’ to read from a powerpoint presentation for ten minutes and that was it. Oh and I have to wear a suit. I have repeatedly asked them over the last two weeks if thats all I have to do and I think they are rather annoyed with me now, but I’m pretty sure there’s a catch. I’ve never been paid decent money to read things out allowed before. Normally I just do it of my own accord and people on the tube think I’ve got learning difficulties. I also have to wear a ‘lounge suit’. I didn’t know what this was and had terrible fears of having to buy a jacket made from the same material as a sofa cover or a coffee table. Apparently its just a suit, but its what posh people call normal suits as other more posh suits have other names. I’ve never been the sort of person to have more than one suit, unless the one suit I have stops fitting me or sets on fire or something along those lines. So I have my suit ready, I’m still able to read, and I can get the gig via the tube. It all seems far far too easy and I can’t help but be suspicious that when I turn up they’ll suddenly want me to improvise a 10 minute set on carbon filters – I put one of those in a Paperchase and all their pencils disappeared – or solar panels – what you call Mock the Week set on the sun. By the look of those two quick gags, I will fail hugely if this happens. On the plus side it may just be as easy as it sounds. Lets hope it doesn’t sound like circus music.