My Brain is on Strike

I’m trying to hammer my brain into gear this morning but it seems set on being highly useless. So far techniques have involved getting up and going straight out, thinking a walk and fresh air would work. Sadly it was a trip to the bank and the lady at the counter who insisted on guessing where my name was from before confidently telling me I was a ‘right little mixture’, did not help at all. It was said in a friendly conversational manner but I was tempted to scream ‘Racism!’ at her and ruin her day. I didn’t as my brain didn’t think of that at the time. Since returning home I have tried drinking tea and for some strange reason, decided to listen to the soundtrack from Labyrinth. The latter of those two has really not helped as now I feel even more spaced out than before and keep looking out for goblins in the garden. There aren’t any so far, but I’m fairly sure if they do appear my cats will eat them first. Although they seem to be having some trouble with it being a windy day and I’m finding highly entertaining watching them sit on the garden wall slightly swaying and giving the expression of a creature that is hugely pissed off with nature. I blame my brain deadness on two things. The first is that this morning I tried to get dressed under the covers as it was cold in my flat. I haven’t done this since I was a kid and I realised why after putting my jeans on and then falling back asleep for ten minutes. Back then though I used to exclaim that I was ‘undercover’ which was a stupid play on words. I doubt actual spies ever get dressed under a duvet. Or if they do, its with rapid speed and stealth to confuse whoever is looking for them in a bed shop. So ultimately for me today, it was a bad way to start things.

The other reason is that last night’s gig was one of the most boring trials of endurance I have had to sit through. There was not one iota of comedy involved and instead I had to sit around from 4pm until 10.30pm just so I could say some companies names in an ‘exciting voice’ over some music and then announce the company head onto the stage. I wasn’t even on stage whilst doing this, I merely sat behind a desk with the techy and had to flick through powerpoint slides as I said things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the cash, but why on earth they asked for a ‘comedian’ to do this was completely beyond me. Almost anyone could have done that job, as long as they could read and use a microphone and slideshow control at the same time. I have while typing that, only just realised that I multi-tasked for at least 15 minutes last night which means that all you women who say it can’t be done can sod off. While doing something else at the same time, because you can. Actually I heard someone on This Morning the other day point out that ‘of course men can multi-task, its just only when they want to. You think they couldn’t multi task at an orgy’. I liked this, then I thought about it and got stressed at the idea of having to multi-task at an orgy. What if you’re getting it on, but need to get a drink? Or have to plot a route for a long journey while surrounded by women needing seeing to? I can only imagine it would be a lot tougher than the This Morning lady thought. Anyway, the whole ‘me talking’ bit last night only last 10 minutes, so 6 hours of my time was spent playing with my iPhone and wishing I was at home, while rich people in suits talked about things I didn’t understand. They were all dressed very sharply and most of the men looked as though their hair had been stuck on. I wondered if this type of man was the inspiration for the Lego people. There was one man in particular that slightly scared me as he looked like he’d been made on the Xbox or Mii profile creator. That was 6 hours of my life I will never get back and I think my brain has retorted for the boredom last night by taking a day off today. I now have a four hour drive to Burnley for tonight’s gig and then four hours back so I need to put enough stimuli in the car for my journey there otherwise I will be a mess by the time I do the show.

Sorry that was all a rambly blog today. Again, blame my brain. I know that my brain is part of me, but I feel that it is definitely not the fault of my knees, or back or any other bit that has no part in computer typing. You could partly blame my fingers but they only do as they are told. One day I hope they rebel against the brain and do what they want to do for a change. I suspect however this would just lead me to being arrested. As they say the ‘devil makes work for idle hands’ which isn’t true. A kid at our school was completely idle and I heard recently he still is and was recently made unemployed again. I would suggest that the devil pulls his finger out and starts helping people in this recession. Get those idle hands some work! Right I will now censor myself after that shambles and stop typing. Watch this and forget anything happened today: