Death to the Idiots

I can’t work out why everyone’s so upset about the violence content in Modern Warfare 2? I only played it for about 2 hours last night and in that time I must’ve killed over 200 people including Brazillian drug lord banditos, snow troopers, snow troopers on bikes, snow troopers in a jeep, some people in berets, some people without berets, and a shite load of innocent civilians waiting patiently in an airport about to board their flight and the security guards that tried to protect them. Oh. Maybe its that last one. Thing is, some people might say that a game readily available to kids shouldn’t have such levels of unnecessary violence to it. You might not think its for kids as it does have an 18 rating on it, but I’d happily go in and buy for some kids if they asked me. This is mostly because I’d be scared they’d stab me otherwise due to all the violence they’ve seen in computer games. The Daily Mailers and other small groups of ignorant people seem to think we can’t tell the difference between killing people on a game and killing people in reality and this could blur the lines somewhat. Well here’s the main difference: I’d love to gun down people in an airport but I’m not allowed. Think about it, my life is rarely harassed by Caribbean drug lords or angry Russians, however every time I go to an airport, there is a large queue of idiots who fall over their own suitcases or haven’t got their booking number and hold everyone else up. I stand there with my one item of hand luggage, specifically having spent time making sure I don’t need to take up anything more than the minimum amount of minutes, while they slowly suck away life I’ll never get back. If I could just gun them all down and then check in, that’d be awesome. As it is, I have to stand there and wait, slowly muttering under my breath horrible rude type words about them all. Well done Modern Warfare 2. I can only hope the next edition has a whole level dedicated to shooting people in a post office queue, in a bank queue and people who don’t indicate when changing lanes on the motorway.

I have to drive to Canterbury in a minute. This is not really of any concern to anyone, unless you have a desperate need to know where I am at all times or if you are part of the official Canterbury Hates Tiernan Douieb fan club. If you are part of the latter then deal with it fuckers, I’m coming back and no amount of bunting, marmalade or burning pitchforks will keep me away! Ahem. What is of concern to everyone is that I have to drive a car there that isn’t our usual car what me and Layla do a drive in. Our faithful VW is in the garage and so we have borrowed Layla’s dad car which is an old thing. I don’t know what it is model or make wise, but it has wheels so its definitely a car. Beyond that it appears to have combined elements of the future with many elements of the past. It has electric wheels and central locking that you can do from the key from miles away, but it also has more dials than a clock shop and an interior that looks like it was stolen from the 80s. In fact, from the outside its fairly newish looking but the inside is oldish looking. There is part of me wondering if its a reverse TARDIS. I’m terrified I’ll kick it into reverse and end up actually in the past. If this is true I will spend a good amount of time sneaking up on Romans and pulling their togas off and running away, before giving King Harold some Raybans and watching a Jimi Hendrix concert. Layla picked me up after another awesome Fat Tuesday and I drove it back to get used to it. In that time the clutch pedal got stuck and I stalled it 3 times. I give myself an hour into today’s journey before I get stranded on the A2. If this happens I will hit all the buttons and hope I can travel an hour forward, and be in Canterbury.

As said up in that bit, just up there, FT was brilliant yesterday. Much thanks to Chris Addison, Dan Skinner, Pippa Evans, Hils Barker and Henry Paker for wonderful sets all round. There was an issue with the air con for while which was a shame. By an issue, I mean it didn’t work, and the windows are bolted shut. I’m not 100% sure why either a) the air con wasn’t fixed immediately or b) the windows are unopenable, but I’m slightly worried that its a secret gas chamber. I’m going to stop informing the management of our line-ups just incase there are any comics they specifically hate and start pumping in toxins. Although on the plus side, were a gig not going well, we could just send through some laughing gas. I did my new material last night, that I tried at Old Rope on Monday. It went well again but it needs an ending, so I’m hoping from some suggestions from you blogees. Its about when the stupid man tried to punch me at a gig a few Saturdays ago. Luckily he didn’t hit me but annoyingly for the end of the story, it would have been better if he had done and something exciting had happened. I told the crowd last night that it was an anti-climatic ending and how did they think I should end it. One man called Andy simply shouted ‘ get set on fire’. I liked it, but couldn’t think of any rational way to say that thats what happened or to explain my lack of burns. Any other ideas? I will try all the best ones.

Tomorrow’s blog will be written on a train. Excited? You shouldn’t be.

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