Tiernan Battles The Robots (Well Satnav)

I have woken up with full hayfever symptoms today. I’m not sure how as my bedroom does not appear to have any flowers or pollen in it at all. I mean that is, as far as I know. There is a possibility the cats spent last night carefully piling up bits of petals, pollen and dead bees all under the bed, but I don’t think they would. The bees maybe, but the flowers don’t move enough and wouldn’t make Layla scream enough if they brought one in. In fact she’d actually like it if they bought her flowers, especially as I never do which is something that is referenced on a regular basis. I only buy Layla flowers on an occasion. This is because a friend of mine always used to buy his girlfriend flowers whenever he cheated on her, which was a mighty sign of guilt. I now don’t buy flowers often enough so that if I did, Layla would become suspicious of exactly why I had bought flowers and even though she says she would like that, I think it would make her paranoid. It wouldn’t but by saying to myself that it would, I don’t have to buy any. Flowers, I think, are a crap sign of affection anyway. They die in a week or so by wilting away till all the bits come off. What kind of message is that? ‘I love you so much, but only for two weeks then I hope you stoop over and all your bits come off.’ It would be much better to get someone a stone. Or something else that lasts forever. A spoon maybe.

I drove all the way to York and back yesterday. This might not impress you whatsoever. You may spend your life driving from York to London on a regular basis. I can’t think why you would. Maybe you’re employed just to check the road between the two is still in place. Or you deliver that York cheddar. Either way, to someone like you cheddar road checker, it probably seems like I just did a very standard thing. Well, and here’s the crux of it all, I did it without a satnav! Yeah, see that? Its like I’ve punched technology in the face. After the two days or my satnav going missing, I found it again but it’s screen had stopped working. Annoyingly, the screen is the bit I really needed. The funny woman still tells me to turn left and right, but I have no idea where she’s telling me to turn to. I have every mind to just follow it at some point and see if I go anywhere fun. I think that this is a result of putting too many directions in it. Finally the satnav saw somewhere it liked and thought, ‘ I know how to get there now’ and went off for a few days, got pissed and is now broken as a type of rebellion against my over use. Well, either way, I made it all the way to York without it. I’ll admit I used my iPhone some of the way, and I was tempted to call people to find out the last bit of route as I got nearer, but then my iPhone ran out of batteries. Yes, no satnav, no iPhone. I was in the dark ages. Except I was in a car. So the dark ages, if they had cars. Which would have changed the dynamic of the time period quite a lot. In the end, I looked at road signs, like they did in the olden days. That worked all the way to York town centre at which point, I asked a man for directions. I know! Madness! I thought that like cassettes or videos, directions had long since been put out of use. I assumed the man I had asked would have had to check his phone, or even more old school, a map. But no, he knew the way, told it to me and I got there. Incredible. If all the world’s computers break and collapse, at least I know I can still get to The Hyena Lounge in York. Well as long as that man is there. He was old though, so he probably won’t be,

The preview was brilliant, and probably the best one I’ve had so far. I had at least three quarters of the show in my head which was handy, and it all seemed to go down well with the exceptionally lovely crowd. Its a stupidly lovely gig and I would drive all the way to York and back just to do that again. Andrew O’Neill was also on and did his preview, which also rocked, much as it did at our gig last Tuesday. Then on the way back we swapped notes on each others shows and took the A1 all the way home, which neither of us have done before. It was exciting to say the least. There were, er, roads, and trees and I nearly killed a rabbit which I feel pretty terrible about. I mean, I might have actually killed it, or I might not. It appeared in front of the car, but instead of doing the ‘rabbit in the headlights’ thing, it just ran, like the wind. Then as I didn’t even attempt to brake, as it would have been futile, we felt the car wheels go over something. It didn’t feel like rabbit, more a dip in the road. Then again, having never run over a rabbit before, they could well feel like dips in the road. Here’s hoping it was a dip which was all part of a ruse so that the rabbit would make us think he was dead and therefore live his life safe in the knowledge no one knew he was still alive. He’ll tell his girlfriend rabbit to say he was in a road accident and they will claim all the rabbit life insurance and scam the rabbit council.

The earlier part of yesterday was a bit good too. General comedy shenanigans at Dan Antopolski’s rather lovely gaff, as he filmed his music video for his excellent sandwich rap. As with all filming things, there was a lot of sitting around. Luckily the people to sit around with were Carl Donnelly, Lucy Porter, Albion Gray, Barry Ferns and various assorted other comedy types. We all talked about iPhones for far too long and generally had a nice time sitting in the sun. I had a very small go on the trampoline until I realised I am so unhealthy that even jumping around with the aid of a big bouncy platform makes me tired. For a very small period of time we all dressed up as chefs and did some comedy type things, before finishing filming and eating pizza. All those people that think being in the movies/TV is hard, you are clearly disillusioned.

Not a lot to do today, although my Summer Fun Junkie email arrived, so I now know who to send my CD’s of summer tunes too. I say summer tunes, they are both going to get 20 tracks all of Bob Nudd’s ‘Maggots in Your Catapult’ a rap song by a fisherman. Hopefully that will arrive on their doorstep and they’ll get all excited. Then they’ll pop into into their CD recepticle of choice and feel massively disappointed as they skip each track and realise its all the same horrid horrid song. I might even add one of those bonus tracks at track 75 or something so they have to skip through all the 1 second tracks to get there, only to find that that is still, once again, the same track. Or I could spend today making two awesome CD’s for them instead. I’ll go with the latter.

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