Some things

Some different things to address today. Its almost like a bulletin list for a monthly general meeting. I am doing this because yesterday was fairly uneventful. Well the day was, the night involved meeting my friend Manisha and hitting up both Wagamama and then a load of coffee and cake to the point where we felt a bit sick. I don’t like feeling sick, but I do like eating food until I feel a bit sick. As does Manisha. Every time we meet up, we talk about action films and good new terms for things – last night was the term ‘Yahtzee’ for when you ‘zing’ someone. God I’m so down with the kids and shit. Then inbetween all that we eat things we shouldnt and feel a bit sick. Its usually milkshakes of some sort but yesterday we branched out. I had a very large cappuccino. I deemed it the megacino for its size dwarfed many a coffee. It was the goliath of caffeine, a champion of java beans. A monster in its own hot beverage based right. It wouldn’t be able to kill Godzilla, but it would certainly keep him awake until next Tuesday. Alongside this I had a cappucino cake. ‘No, you idiot’ I hear you cry! ‘Two coffee based substances in one go late at night, you sir are a fool.’ Maybe I was a fool. Maybe I still am. (Really had to resist putting ‘Maybe its Maybelline’ in here for that would be too cheap. But by telling you it was cheap I have now put it in. Haha!) But I eat and drank all the coffeeness and then felt like I needed to run around in circles for 4 days and fall asleep all at once. Manisha opted for a pot of tea which she somehow managed to screw up. Failing in making tea is never a good sign. But she backed up that mess with a raspberry cheesecake. Solid effort. Had you witnessed the table at Tinderbox in Angel at around 8.45ish last night, you would have seen two people destroyed by caffeine and sugar.

But apart from that exciting adventure, I did little all else. So, here begins some various odds and sods for you. It’ll be like my tiny version of Alec Guiness’s ‘ A Commonplace Book’ only with less interesting or intelligent things, and its not a book. Or written by Alec Guiness. The last part would have been especially hard to do as he has now been dead for some time. That can really ruin a writing career.

Anyway, firstly an apology. The other day I criticised people for being from Rotherham. I did not mean Rotherham. I meant Rochester. I started to type the ‘Ro..’ and then for some reason filled in the rest as a place far further North than I meant to. I don’t love Rotherham but I really dislike Rochester. Rochester, despite being the homeplace of Dickins, is a bad place. I am basing this entirely on one gig I did there years ago where I had to do stand-up in front of a pool table while people ignored me or shouted at me. At one point people actually started playing pool behind me. There was really very little point in me being there at all. I know I shouldn’t base an entire town on one incident but I am so there. Have that Rochester. On the other hand, I have also gigged in Rotherham. Bon Jovi were playing nearby so the entire town was eeriely quiet. The gig only had about 8 people in it, which after 3 and half hours of driving, is not what you want. But those people did not start playing pool behind me. True, there wasn’t a pool table at the venue but thats not the point. So ultimately, sorry Rotherham even though you are dull and a bit rubbish, you are not as rubbish as Rochester.

Secondly, I wrote this sketch for a radio show a week ago. They didn’t use it and now its out of date. So here it is instead. Its all about Andy Murray winning the Queen’s Title. I was proud of it. BBC Radio 7 obviously thought it was rubbish:



I’m still a long way from winning Wimbledon, but yes it does feel good to be the first British player to win the Queen’s title. I have definitely played the best tennis I’ve played in a long time. But I had too as it was a lot tougher than I thought. I was not expecting someone of Blake’s calibre to have to contend with. I mean I thought she’d be there to defend it. I ‘ve spent months and months watching her moves at D-Day and of course at Christmas. I thought the only way to beat that is with consistent smashes and a strong backhand. She only ever uses her right arm when she waves, so aim for the left side. That’ll be her weakest. But no, she didn’t show up. Chicken. I didn’t even have to take on Harry or William in the semis. I thought at least they’d have the gusto to try and keep the throne. Well, I showed them didn’t I? They didn’t think it was worth stepping up to. Now I’ve got 12 months to rule the UK and live off taxpayers money. I’m really looking forward to living in the palace, although I will have to make sure I put a clause in the contract that means I don’t have to sleep with Phillip….





Oh. Really?


(VERY IRATE) Really? You’re kidding me. All that work. Why the heck did I bother? For God’s sake!
Right, well I’m sorry. (EMBARRASSED TONE) If you could just er, ignore all that. (BACK TO NORMAL TONE) So I guess I was just playing well all week and took my chances when I had them. Now I have to focus on winning Wimbledon. It would be so great to win the entire South London borough and just have all its citizens as peons at my disposal.


So thats that. Thirdly, we have sold out at Fat Tuesday tonight so there. If however you want to come along to some superb comedy this week and live in North London, South London but like getting public transport, or somewhere further away but like a challenge, then tomorrow we have Andrew Maxwell and Tiffany Stevenson in a special Fat Tuesday on a Wednesday. I should probably just call it Ash Wednesday. If you don’t want to come or live too far away and don’t own a jet plane like the rest of us, then pretend I have just written something else. Something that applies to you. Like maybe blurb about how crazy it is being dull and staying somewhere far away from my excellent gig.

Fourthly, my attempts at affording Edinburgh have been thwarted by the credit crunch. If you are enjoying the credit crunch, perhaps repossesing houses or doing something evil that gains you money, then why not make yourself feel better and give me some. Or if you can’t do that then if anyone knows ways to survive a whole month whilst not eating or drinking anything, then please let me know:

Lastly, I realised yesterday that corn is all ok by itself. Cob however is useless without corn. Its the vegetable equivalent of a comedy double act when the stronger member leaves to go solo. I feel a bit sorry for cob and so will spend some time trying to do things with cobs to make them more relevant. I so far can only think of cutting cheese into tiny corn shaped sizes and sticking it back to the cob. My only other idea would be to put a hole through the middle of it and play it like an instrument. I would call it Horn on the Cob. Any further suggestions to help cobs out, please put below.

Postscript. My beard is now pretty awesome.

That is all. We reconvene tomorrow at whatever time I can be bothered.