There’s Nothing Happening (Except Everything)

‘There’s nothing happening in the world today’ I find myself often muttering to L. She will often rifle through Twitter and respond with ‘No. It all seems rather dull today.’ This isn’t an admittance that I can single handedly halt the turning of the Earth just using incredible psychic thoughts. Nor is it the moment you’ve all been waiting for, where peace all over the globe has finally arrived, allowing endless happiness for humanity. No, sadly, there are, contrary to my mindless warblings, many many things are happening in the world. Like, loads. All the time. Wars, famine, injustice, people getting the wrong items delivered in their takeaway, heartbreaks, someone making a nasty comment on youtube, someone nearly falling over but not quite. Tons of stuff. It’s just that, none of the stuff that is occurring right now has any interest to me.

Well, that’s not strictly true. It does, but it’s stuff that I can’t fathom, stuff that is happening across the other side of the planet that I have looked into a few times but don’t really understand or stuff that has been in the news too long & I’ve got bored of it. Or, above all of this, it’s happenings that I can’t make a joke about on Twitter. The internet and social media have single handedly (or double handedly I suppose) made me study the world in terms of its entertainment value. Today’s news: A review of child abuse cases – I’m not going to joke about that, it’s hugely inappropriate and having parents who’ve worked in child protection for many years I have an understanding of how awful it all is. Though luckily the Prime Minister used a certain turn of phrase that I did try to write a gag about that went unnoticed*; Footballing legend dies – I don’t have a clue about football, so ignoring that one; UK Airports tell people to charge their electronics before flight – mustered a weak gag about this**, realised it’s super dull, gave up. They are all hugely important in one way or another. The possibilities of historical child abuse involving MPs is sickening and upsetting and I’m pleased a review is happening. The airport security tightening is frustrating and yet a further element that puts me off travelling. And the football thing. Well it’s sad when anyone dies isn’t it?

But can I make a pun about any of those? No. Can I find a way to use it as stand-up material? No. Does any of it directly affect me? No. So, after a quick scan on Twitter to see if anyone is outraged about anything pathetic, anyone else famous has died, if there’s a dog dressed in a hilarious outfit or anyone important has spelt something wrong online, then my selfish ignorant mind says ‘there’s nothing happening in the world today.’ Is it the result of too much information in the world? Before the internet and especially before Twitter I’d just see the headlines. I’d just be upset and bothered by a few things at a time. Now there is everything. All the time. With everyone’s opinions on everything. And everyone’s opinions on everyone’s opinions. And a lot of it in capital letters. So I have to filter or I’d spend each day in a grumpy fug, upset at all the wrongs. All the time. I think that must be it. Or maybe it’s a desperate inner wish that nothing was going on. Like it used to be, when the world was largely quiet apart from the 6 o’clock and 10 o’clock news. When really we had only half the idea that any of the things were happening at all. And as a result many terrible events happened, largely unnoticed by the parts of Earth not affected by them. The world a more lonely place where many have to fight their own battles, albeit without a ton of trolls or wrongly opinionated twats to make them feel worse about it.

Know everything and feel bombarded or know nothing and feel isolated? Preferably neither. What would be actually nice is if stuff just stopped happening everywhere and then we wouldn’t really have to worry about it in the first place. ‘Nothing’s happening in the world today’ I’d say to L, and she’d check an empty timeline, on an internet that’s used solely to check which hilarious costumes there are now for dogs. She’d then respond that yes, it’s all a bit dull today. Then we’d have eggs for breakfast, and spend the day knowing no one was going to nearly fall over anything all day long. – Wasn’t worth it was it?

** – A truly shit and pointless gag.


Why not join my mailing list at Go on. Try and think of a good reason. Oh. You have 3? Oh ok.