My Slanderous Blog

This post was meant to be on the Huffington Post this week, but er, legally, cos of the things it says in it. So, knowing full well it contains libel and probably slander, here it is, in full form. Enjoy! btw it was written on Sunday so sorry if its out of date about anything.



Do any of you remember the beginning of the Warner Brothers cartoon ‘<a href=”” target=”_hplink”>Pinky and The Brain</a>’ that had Pinky asking The Brain ‘Hey Brain what do you want to do tonight?’ with Brain responding ‘same thing we always do Pinky. Try to take over the world.’ Yeah? That’s exactly how I imagine every meeting in number 10 between Cameron and Osborne. The parts are interchangeable of course, especially as brain looks more like Iain Duncan Smith and oddly, I think the only MP that looks at all close to Pinky is Lembit Opik and they won’t let him anywhere parliament let alone number 10, or even Europop stars anymore. It just feels like the Conservatives aren’t really even trying anymore. Way back in 2010, all revving up for the election, I had many a suspicion that Cameron and his cronies were going to do awful things, but that’s in large to do with my upbringing, Conservatives throughout history, and Cameron’s horrible smug, slightly swollen face. But at least they were trying to pretend they might do good things back then. There was all the economic growth that was promised, the solemn oath that they wouldn’t touch the NHS, etc etc and it allowed at least a possible glimmer of hope that the UK wasn’t about to descend into an Orwellian nightmare only with a far more deprived an depressing Big Brother aired on Channel 5.


This week alone has featured so many supervillian-like announcements that it’s almost as though the Tories are opting for a ‘lose voters’ policy at best and a French revolution at worst. The NHS was given its final battering on Monday, shrouded in the sort of right wing announcement about privatising roads that sounded like they would even upset the almost fascistic views of road Hitler Jeremy Clarkson. Then this was all forgotten as after upsetting anyone who was remotely ill and anyone who ever drives, they announced their ‘Robin Hood budget’ that pissed off anyone left who may have still had a glimmer of apathy about them. A budget that, with its cut of the 50p tax rate, very much has stolen from the poor to give to the rich, and leaves me under the assumption that Osborne has only ever read his book about the green hatted hero and his Merry Men back to front. Either that or he only meant to compare his party with them because they too are a band of thieves. The 50p tax rate in itself has only been discarded in an attempt to stop those for whom it applies avoiding it. So, millionaires dodge paying tax and therefore the tax rate is lowered to make them pay? Is this not the financial equivalent of negotiating with terrorists? ‘Well if they are going to try and find different ways to bomb the transport system we thought we’d just give them small bomb bins on each tube to accommodate them as such.’


Add to this the granny tax to make pensioners irate, smoking and alcohol price increases to make those who are angry not even indulge in their vices to get through the rage, and the Tories possible u-turn on the decision of ruling out the extra runway at Heathrow which in turn will make all the green protestors very red at the blues. Who’s left that might possibly still offer this government support at the next election? Only the very very rich, who just last night discovered much to their joy, that at the cost of £250k they too, could gain ‘access to Cameron’, a term that very much sounds like he has become a rent boy of the highest expense. The party of course have adamantly denied all this, <a href=”” target=”_hplink”>despite links still being up on their website advertising as such</a>, just in nicer words. You too, for just the salary of a lower paid worker who’s average wage makes living very hard, could join the Treasurer’s Club, replete with badge, secret codename, an annual newsletter, plastic vinyl of Osborne singing ABBA’s ‘Money, Money, Money’ and a lifetime of influencing the government to put a lot of money back into your overly full pockets. Cruddas, the man who ‘mistakenly’ made such offers to undercover reporters has now resigned as the party’s principal treasurer, of course. No fear, he will be replaced by a fittingly named <a href=”,_Baron_Fink” target=”_hplink”>Lord Fink</a>, who ranks 698th in the Sunday Times rich list and comes from a background of being CEO of Citibank. So we can all be sure that he’s not remotely interested in laundering money quicker than a Zanussi full of £50 notes. On top of this the Conservatives will be launching their own investigation into what happened which will involve one spokesperson being paid some of Cameron’s access fee to say he discovered nothing, no one saw a thing, noting happened here and if anyone says otherwise they may go missing.


So there’s no hiding that our votes have far less power over the Coalition than the proffers of the rich, which makes me think that there are only a few ways to deal with this. One is that we all raise money so at least a few of us can pay £250k to go and meet Cameron and bribe him to stop ruining things. That or at least get close enough to him to punch him in the cock. The other option is that if they’ve reclaimed Robin Hood as some sort of elitist, rich loving hero, then we should reclaim the Sheriff of Nottingham as our champion, surrounding their camp at parliament with men on horses and threatening an execution unless we get our money and land back. Let us out supervillian the supervillians I say. And if course if any of you want a say in any of this, you can have a word in my ear about it for a mere £250k. Ahem.