Having a biomechanics appointment sounds awesome. I’d had an orthotics one, but never a ‘biomechanics’, which sounds a great deal more exciting. I mean that properly sounds like ‘we will rebuild you Steve Austin’ type of thing and as I went to the little clinic yesterday afternoon I was more than 99% sure I’d leave with a bionic eye that made that awesome noise and legs that meant I could jump over buildings and such. Well, just buildings really. And elephants. I’m not sure how often the latter would happen but it’d be nice to have just incase. I’d definitely stop getting the tube and leap around instead, and I’d look at everything with my bionic eye as I did it. I’d hopefully have at least one bionic arm too, that would have super strength because I pump these legal steroids into just that arm, an Xbox controller and a USB stick on it.

Sadly my appointment was actually about my stupid shin splints which I keep getting and have now ensured I haven’t done any running for over a year. The very nice doctor made me do embarrassing things like roll my trouser legs up till it looked like I was wearing Tintin plus fours and walk all around the surgery in bare feet (not bear feet sadly) while he crouched down and said ‘hmm’ a lot. Then he drew on my feet with a biro which was incredibly tickely and I spent most of the time trying not to laugh in his face, before he took some imprint of all the muscles. After all that and using some clever words for bits of my foot I didn’t know I had, he told me my muscles are too strong and tight for my legs. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he fancied me. Sadly I do, and it just means they are all stupid and need stretching everyday for about two months before I can run again.

It’s odd as I thought having tight muscles was the sort of thing ladies like. Strong muscles too. If he’d only said that’s what they were and not that they needed to get fixed, I’d oil up my calf muscles and show them to ladies at nightclubs. Look at my sexy calves I’d say before doing calf poses where they bulge and stuff. Probably. I’m not sure anyone shows off calf muscles. Except for weightlifting cows. Maybe. It turns out though that they are properly bad, like leg damaging bad. Surely this means all bodybuilder types are all sorts of wrong and need to stretch 24,000 times a day? Anyway, I’ve decided I’ll fix these ones this time then never be healthy again so my muscles go all loose and baggy. Ladies won’t like me, but doctors will be happy and I’ll just have to avoid strong winds.



Laurie Penny is a bloody brilliant journalist. Here’s one of the trazilllion reasons why: