Ham and Egg Justice

Once again several hours of today have been spent looking at flats, just so I can get further ideas of places I never want to live. Today’s gems included a place with ‘3 double bedrooms’, that when inspected, had two rooms with single beds in it. On enquiry, Matt was told ‘Well they used to have double beds in but they took up too much room’. Those, then, are not double bedrooms you massive twat. Flat number 2 was in an area so devoid of all life we would had to stay indoors and become agoraphobic or fear wandering the roads for days in search of any culture. It did however have a larder that we were fairly sure I could fit in if we removed a shelf. Flat three was entirely perfect in everyway, until we saw the third bedroom which was weeny. It would have been mean to put anyone in there compared to the other two lovely sized rooms, and despite talk of me getting a kids bed on stilts, I still wouldn’t have been happy. Believe me, having a bed on stilts would nearly always make me happy, so we knew it wasn’t right. The actually nice estate agent of the last one told us that due to all the cuts people aren’t buying houses and can’t afford mortgages, so instead everyone’s renting, hence fewer properties. Once again, the coalition have ruined my day. I am going to directly blame Cameron and Osbourne everytime I see a flat I don’t like. ‘This place has no fridge, I bet David Cameron stole it.’ ‘This place has a kitchen in the bedroom and the loo is outside in a treehouse. I bet Osbourne did that.’ If nothing else, it will make me feel better. This is number two of ‘things I’ve done to cheer myself up today’. Number one is singing along to Dizzie Rascal’s Bonkers but as though I’m actually bonkers. Trust me, its very entertaining. ‘Some people think I’m bonkers, but I just say arrarrraghghghgbllllllbuuuubblllellelelel you’ve GOT LOVELY SHOES! I am a tiger raaaaaaaa’. Constant fun.

Before the ever wonderful London Comedy Improv last night (Where were you? Why didn’t you go? I got to play a dead person. See what you missed?), I went along to the Coalition of Resistance demonstration for a full half an hour. This was not quite enough, but on reflection I got to shout a couple of things before being sheepish about my own vocalness, because I’m a loser, felt slightly worried about the police presence, heard a few great speeches and then left feeling like I’d stated my opinion on everything at least a little bit. I am, all-in-all, a bit shit at this activism stuff. To be fair, I would’ve stayed longer if I didn’t have a show to do, but I still probably would’ve only joined in all the chanting if everyone else had, and I probably wouldn’t have held banner as my hands were cold. Sigh. I really do admire the French at times like these. The speeches I saw were superb, moving and empowering knowing other people are angry about the way we’re being treated. Tony Benn, someone’s who’s name I didn’t catch and don’t know, John McDonnell, and Bob Crow. However, my favourite bit was the Reverend Jesse Jackson. I love it when he does talks for several reasons – one main one being that it means if he has been called its definitely time for ‘affirmative action’ as LL Cool J said that once, so it must be true – but last night it was because he used the phrase ‘Ham and Egg Justice’. I couldn’t quite hear his reasoning or explanation for such a phrase and so I wasn’t sure if we wanted ‘ham and egg justice’ or if it was something we were meant to oppose, but I really like the phrase and want it on a t-shirt.

Further investigation (thanks to @Welshracer on Twitter. Its like a friendly google sometimes) found this from an old Jesse Jackson speech:

‘What we have now is ham-and-egg justice. What you mean? One time there was a national contest. They wanted a ham-and-egg sandwich, so they put a hog and a chicken up on the table on national television. The chicken went with the deal before the man finished explaining what the rules were. The chicken ain’t got no problem with a ham-and-egg sandwich. The chicken dropped the egg and moved on. The hog was raising hell because the hog had to drop a leg, and he couldn’t move on. Hogs don’t like ham-and-egg sandwiches. Time for a Change.’

So I assume that we are all hogs in such an analogy. The chickens are those not standing up for themselves and the 18 multi-millionaires in the cabinet who are pretending they are all in this with us, are the people making the sandwich. Grand. I still almost preferred it when it didn’t make as much sense and I am going to choose to use that phrase in sentences where it really doesn’t belong. It shall be said to many an estate agent in the future, as well as anyone who does anything remotely in opposition to the way I like it. ‘What do you mean you’ve run out my favourite beer because I’ve drunk it all? This is ham and egg justice!’ ‘ What do you mean I shouldn’t set fire to anything I like even though it looks all pretty? This is ham and egg justice!’ Let us all use this phrase and bring it into general vernacular. What do you mean I shouldn’t use that phrase willy-nilly as it demeans Jesse Jackson’s brilliant speech with important political points? This is bloomin’ ham and egg justice this is.