Squirreling Thoughts

I was all hyped up to type a blog today about the Chortle discovery about ‘men definitely being funnier than women’ and how ridiculous the whole thing was, and then I noticed that Will Andrews had already blogged about it, saying almost exactly my thoughts on the matter only more succinct and well argued than I ever could:


Bastard. Him being all clever like that. Well just to ruin this blog, I pretty much agree with all that. So there.

Which leaves today’s blog at a loose end. Or rather it did, until whilst strolling through a sunshine filled Finsbury Park yesterday I spotted a squirrel happily eating something that did not, in any way, look like a nut or forest based treats. I slowly walked closer to said squirrel to see it was eating an almost whole Cornetto and it was eating it much like a person would. What? Where are the pictures Tiernan? ‘We need proof’ I hear you cry. Well, as I often have to tell you on this blog, don’t cry. That’s way too over the top. But you’re right, I don’t have one. This is mostly because once I’d got over my awe and intrigue at seeing such a thing, the camera on my shit iPhone (very soon to be replaced with a fancy iPhone 4. When it does I will repeatedly make the terrible joke ‘what’s an iPhone 4? Calling people dumbass. And other things) takes so long to load up and get ready and then focus that by the time I had it poised in my sights, the squirrel had demolished the Cornetto and was long gone up a tree.

However just take my word as truth, like in them olden days when they didn’t have contracts or soul stealing devices and therefore believed in dragons and God. I promise it was there, and this, of course, poses many questions. Firstly, if squirrels can eat things in two hands like people do, why do they eat nuts? Surely there is a far more enjoyable lifetime of hotdogs and biscuits out there? Why struggle to bury nuts in the ground and try and steal people’s clusters or crunchy nut cornflakes or whatever it was, when they can just have a banana? (I really hope you sang that last bit in the way you should have done. If you didn’t, shame on you) More importantly than this though, is the worry that if they can hold a Cornetto in such a fashion, they can surely hold a series of other human items as well. Like knives and guns and bombs. What’s stopping squirrels getting tiny bazookas, sitting on top of trees and eliminating us all? Opposable thumbs. Oh. Fair play. Lastly, we can all assume the Cornetto was a Choc and Nut. I think it would be silly to assume otherwise.

I really hope I have stumbled across a woodland creature secret that I wasn’t meant to see and somewhere out there is a badger who’s eating porridge and bear chowing on a gateaux. I’m going to see my friends Ali and Sam today and they have a new pet hedgehog. Yep. Seriously. They are pet mavericks. Take that conventional cat and dog owners! I will be sure to ask their new thorny issue about such squirrel type matters, and try my best to stick bits of pineapple and cheese on him when his owners aren’t looking.

See Will Andrews? That’s what happens when you’re all clever first? (Do read his blog. Its ace. Women are just as funny as men. FACT)