Day Fringe The Firstest


Tee hee, log. Tee hee hee. Ahem. Dear world, it is officially day one of the Fringe today, though my show doesn’t start till tomorrow because (delete as appropriate) a) I’m hella awesome and the Fringe waits for me, beeeyaaaatch, b) I’m in a venue that doesn’t start till tomorrow, c) I am on today but I’ve forgotten, or d) all of the above. Hopefully you’ll all have chosen either a) or b) as they are the truthest. I do have a show tonight but its just the Chortle Fast Fringe which requires me to do all of 4 minutes of material. Easy huh? I’ve written an hour and shizzle, surely I can slam out four minutes in a flash? Or at least in four minutes? Thanks for your votes of confidence, but its slightly stressing me. I can’t help but feel that while Tom, Nat and Ginger and Black are all pacing around stressed about doing their full hour today for the first time, they are being hugely selfish ignoring me with all my four minute stress.

To be perfectly honest, I’m a tad jealous of everyone starting today as I feel now, one whole day into my Fringe sentence, that I just want to get started and am nothing if not a bit bored. Yesterday, as a result of boredom, mostly revolved around bowling down the road like a Victorian urchin with Paul Byrne (and yes, actually like a Victorian urchin with hands on braces and a proper cockernee stride) and making ridiculous Edinburgh rules. This now means that everyone who went to a certain party last night will be deemed a loser till they are 47, that Matt Blair can only ever be referred to as ‘MaaahhhhBleeeeaauuuurrgghhh’ and that my next year’s Edinburgh show will generally revolve around a single punch and a series of hypnotic body movements. Oh and there were a lot of discussions about Ian. You know. Ian Ian.

This was before I’d even started drinking, after which things just turned for the worse. I generally got louder, more irritating and I somehow ended up strolling home at 3.30am with two of the awesome flyerer crew from last year, Katy and Carl, before accidentally finding myself in an empty graveyard, a bit scared and nowhere near where I live. None of this is conducive to my Edinburgh show or well being in anyway and I really need to curb this a tad till I’m up and running. Not actually running. Though I did do that today. Whilst still drunk. It was attempt number one to start the Fringe afresh and be healthier today and more sensible, but if anything I was already dehydrated and by the time I returned back to the flat I could have been crumbled into flakes and kept in a cool dry cupboard for later seasoning.

I will do some work today. I also must buy coat hangers. Our flat, despite being hugely lovely and the landlord leaving us wine as a moving in pressie, has assumed we only wear clothes that need not hang. I presume whilst he has this supposed facade of welcoming us, he also knows we will just drink wine and wear creased clothes like a bunch of ruffians. Well I’ll have you know landlord, that I demand coat hangers and I will hang my tshirts up before still not ironing them and then drinking all the wine. Then there are more parties, more drunk self loathing and no doubt more ending up in a graveyard worrying that I’m already surrounding myself with death that my first stage appearance shall be jinxed with more of the comedy same. Woohoo Edinburgh I have so totally arrived!

Oh and if you haven’t already, you can get a full minute of my new Edinburgh show for free by subscribing to my podcast. If you wouldn’t mind doing such things, that’d be lovely. Also if you could then tell other people to do the same, that’d be lovelier. Ta. Here’s the linkage to listen to it without subscribing:


Or you can go to iTunes and type my name in and stuff.