A small boring bullet point blog today as I have to go and argue over what’s mine that’s still in my old flat. I say argue, but it’ll probably be fairly amicable as I find reasons as to why I need a television more than my ex does. So far I’m practicing the argument that at the moment my blu-ray player and Xbox are feeling neglected as my parents don’t have a HD tv to use them with. I know, I know. Who doesn’t have an HD TV nowadays? Well my parents. That’s the answer. The digital age is rapidly flying past them as they choose to not see every blemish on Sian William’s face during the news. Actually, now I put it like that, it seems sensible. But until I can connect my beloved machines to something that does them justice with image and sound, then I won’t be using them as I would worry it was demeaning. Good argument? I have a feeling I won’t be getting the telly. Anyway, here’s a round up of some things before I try and conjure up excuses for my needs to have a rice cooker:

– Shappi Khorsandi’s and Greg Davies Edinburgh previews were superb last night. Really really superb. Go book them both in Edinburgh now. Do it right now. What are you doing? If its not booking tickets for them, then you’re a chump face.

– I forget every year how horrible going to the West End of London during the school holidays is. I had forgotten it was the school holidays at first and did spend some time just assuming people were shrinking. Once I’d remembered, it was too late and I was having to push kids in their faces just to walk along Oxford Street at any sort of crippled snail’s pace. I will now remember not to head back until all tourists, kids and slow people leave again. By that time it’ll be Christmas and I’ll stumble into getting people rage again.

– During milkshakes yesterday afternoon, Laura (of the Lexx variety) decided using a chain of thought I can’t comprehend, that cows must have discovered mint. I can’t see how this works and for a while I made a point of protesting against such theories. Then when I got home last night I wiki’d ‘mint’ and it doesn’t say how it was discovered, so I have no choice but to believe this:


– Fat Tuesday was too hot last night. Far far too hot. The air con only comes out of one air vent and the window appears to deny all breeze. As a result it was a tad like a Swedish sauna with less Swedish naked people and more hot audience. Despite that, the crowd were so brilliant. I love our crowd. They are better than your crowd. Same again tonight and tomorrow. I’m tempted to turn up in just my pants for maximum cooling effect.

– I bought sunglasses in Primark for £2 yesterday. Primark is a terrible place to be at any time of year, but yesterday it looked like a picture from Dante’s Inferno. Clothes and people strewn across the floor like the end of a material based war. People barging and shoving their way to buying trainer socks for a pound. I put calming music on my iPod and said I wouldn’t get sucked in to being like all the other angry stupid shoppers, but after two minutes of unbearable heat and being barged by a woman whose face was so wrinkly I wanted to grab the back of her head and pull it tight to see if it would sort her out, I went nuts. I became Prim-evil and knocked straight into the shoulder of someone before almost entirely pushing over a stupid looking man who was confused about the existence of hats. They all deserved it. As a result I got my £2 sunglasses which after queuing for ever and all the people hate, did not really seem worth it after all. I was walked out semi-pleased but know that at some point my eyes will be so burned with UV damage I won’t even be able to cry about how pointless it all was.

– Topman seem to only supply summer clothes for gay sailors. FACT.

– I went for lunch with Mat yesterday and he decided we should go a Mexican place off Goodge Street that does a pretty decent burrito. I went against the grain and got a quesadilla. This is partly because I hate grain, and mostly because I’m a big fan of J-Dilla (RIP) and like to think eating a quesadilla is a tribute. It also sounds like a Mexican food dinosaur. Essentially, why would you eat anything else? Mat did. Mat ate a burrito. He got nachos with his. I didn’t get nachos with mine. I think I should never get a quesadilla again.

– My card got declined in Topman, despite me putting money in my bank yesterday morning. There is nothing more degrading than a 14 year old girl (that’s how old she looked) sneering at you like you’re a poverty stricken scumbag as she hands back your card and take your gay sailor tshirt away from you. I did the walk of shame and hurriedly left before I saw anyone else in tight jeans and stripy top/checked shirt to scowl at.

– Since when did the weak moustache become a fashion statement? Loads of indie types in central London had weak moustaches yesterday and it made them all look like slightly ill versions of Victorian villains. I don’t think it impresses anyone that you are not able to grow serious facial hair.

That’s all for now. I definitely eat rice a lot. That’s what I’m going with. Call me Tiernan ‘Rice face’ Douieb. Call me Uncle Ben. Call me Captain Rice-A-Lot.